Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML
Today, my mom made a Facebook status about me: "My daughter is on her rags and won't shut the fuck up #annoyingbitch". FML
Today, I took away my 8-year-old daughter's toy for throwing it too many times. She then said, "I need a beer." FML
Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML
Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML
Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML
Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML
Today, after being fed up with my sarcastic, mouthy daughter, I decided to remove her TV from her room. I dropped it on my foot and broke two toes. She promptly said, "That's what you get." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ilovehamburgers 0
Yes you are.
emmiep1011 7
I hope you resorted to butter beer.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (479)
JayElleBee 15
Actually you ****** up the genders. The mother is the asshat.
bingo01_fml 13
check out the gender, genius. OP IS the mother
CAJustise 9
Yep! You sure are!!
vashthestampede 0
I hate it when that happens
MrWhiteGluz 1
ur a great parent. just tell her to go get a life and shut the **** up the movies were bad anyway
raphanne_fml 33
I wonder how long will your comment last before getting buried :D
raphanne_fml 33
Your comment is wrong in so many ways...
love0128 5
You need mental help, the movies, as well as the books were ALL AMAZING!!! What world are you from!?!
theonlysweetpea 10
I don't know what this site thing is about but don't you think you were being so much of a douchebag that instead of LISTENING to her
bubblez1108 0
Does she have a tumblr? Bc if she does everyone on there will help her. That's what I did and I got in the first day.
Leftieswillrule 3
Are you Bill Cosby?
sourgirl101 29
I thought he would said pie-hole not cake-hole. I could be wrong.(:
Wreakorofhavoc 1
Unfortunately you'll get no sympathy from the internet, especially this website. Most of the people on this site seem like 13 year olds who are Harry Potter and Twilight fanboys. But I understand how you feel because both of those book series suck.
AriadneBelle 3
Actually, she gets no sympathy from me not because I'm a Harry Potter nerd - I totally am - but because she did one of two things: 1. Raised a child whiny enough to cause inner ear bleeding. or 2. Raised a normal child, but is too much of a self centered witch to handle it when her daughter is disappointed about something. and then whined about it on the internet, because she would rather get drunk than take an interest in the life of a child she chose to have. You are a terrible parent, OP. So, keep hitting that sauce, because alcoholism is just frosting on the cake of your daughter's ruined childhood.
sonangedemusique 2
#49: Just FYI, the Harry Potter generation is now mostly comprised of 20 somethings, not 13 year olds. Check your facts, bub. ;)
maackenzie 9
If you have to turn to alcohol for your problem about this, you probably do fr bigger things too. Lots of people are alcoholics, bit you probably need some help.
Person1233 13
Maybe her daughter's whining was so beyond the average person's tolerance for annoyance, that the choice was either suicide, booze, or drugs, and the OP chose booze.