Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML
Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they'd remembered, my dad's reaction was, "Oh! Really?" My mom's was, "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML
Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
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Top comments
skye147 20
It was a present from your dog!! Happy birthday!! :D
cutycat136 28
Well, let's hope that tonight your father has a better surprise for you than the one this morning from your dog. Maybe your dad is just trying to make you think there isn't one by doing that.
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Comments (89)
angelitared 27
Parents . Ugh what nerve! HBD! ❤️
xluciferx666 21
Now take what you have cleaned up and shove it in your dad's pillowcase
hoodiewear365 9
That's unnecessary.
WCARlover 35
Your dog just confused "happy" with "crappy"...he tried, though!
Sansa_fml 38
Aww, that sucks. I hope they still did surprise you later, and this time with something nice. And happy birthday :)
AndrewMoreira14 19
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
LadyNightowl 17
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry your day started off so bad.
SweetIam 12
Hopefully he has something else planned. Happy Birthday op!
vikky538 29
Its a practical metaphor to say life starts giving you shit when start turning 21.
fml510605 16
Happy birthday! Hopefully the rest of your day will get better!!!
ColonelCusswords 24
Wow... What a shitty birthday... :(
MrConcise 35
I can give you a hand, but my thumb won't protect you from being buried by the mob of FMLers who hate shit puns.
ColonelCusswords 24
I DONT GIVE A FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!
TallMist 32
Clearly, you do. Enough to respond, anyways.
ColonelCusswords 24
If i wanna make a shitty(:D) pun about a shitty(:D) fml, im gonna make a shitty(:D) ******* pun!! I have the freedom and the right to do shit(:D) like this because i aint a push over who abides to societies shitty(:D) standards of correct fml comments!! Ill make shitty(:D) puns all ****** day son!! Just cuz you shitty(:D) fmlers dont like shitty(:D) puns, doesnt mean i aint allowed to post shitty(:D) puns!!
ColonelCusswords 24
I DREAM OF A FREE FML!!!!! WITHOUT DISCRIMINATION AGAINST GOOD PEOPLE WHO ONLY WANT TO POST SHIT PUNS!!!!! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK????!!!! LONG LIVE FREE FML!!!!! WE WILL NEVER BOW DOWN TO YOU PRETENTIOUS SWINE WHO TRY TO SMOTHER THE PEOPLE WHO ONLY WANT TO SHARE THIER BEAUTIFUL PUNS WITH SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!