Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML
Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they'd remembered, my dad's reaction was, "Oh! Really?" My mom's was, "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML
Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
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Top comments
skye147 20
It was a present from your dog!! Happy birthday!! :D
cutycat136 28
Well, let's hope that tonight your father has a better surprise for you than the one this morning from your dog. Maybe your dad is just trying to make you think there isn't one by doing that.
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Comments (89)
Marelena20 23
Happy Birthday :) hope the rest of your day was better c:
Mean_Girl 5
Happy Birthday!!
beep32 12
Guess you could call that a shitty present.
AnthraxPrincess 18
It's my birthday too, OP. Hope your day starts going better. That's a really shitty birthday surprise.
Attacksloth 33
Your father should have cleaned it up. Bit of a dick move, but he does have a tiny bit of leverage considering it sounds like you're living under his roof. Though, I'm not saying what he did was right.
hahahehehe 9
Ahh, that sucks... But happy birthday!!! :)
munchly 17
Hmm maybe it wasn't really your birthday?
ItsDutch 16
I'm pretty sure OP knows his/her own birthday...
ItsAlly 20
We have the same birthday, OP. (: April's the best (;
Ashfyr 18
Happy birthday
gurluwont4get 12
It's my birthday too!!!! Happy bithday OP.
Josephine4 12
Don't worry bro, my 21st birthday is today too and all I had to do since morning was study for the nastiest finals of my undergrad degree. I'd rather clean dog shit tbh. It would be epic if you turned 21 too!!!