Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML
Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they'd remembered, my dad's reaction was, "Oh! Really?" My mom's was, "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML
Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
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Top comments
skye147 20
It was a present from your dog!! Happy birthday!! :D
cutycat136 28
Well, let's hope that tonight your father has a better surprise for you than the one this morning from your dog. Maybe your dad is just trying to make you think there isn't one by doing that.
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Comments (89)
iwadasn 33
Only little kids expect everyone to make a huge deal about their birthday. Once you're over the age of 12, it's just another day.
TallMist 32
What planet do you live on? I'm 18 and still get excited about my birthday.
pandalover69 26
What are you, 14? After 12, 13 is a big deal because you're finally a teenager, then 16 because drivers license, then 18 because you're legal, then 21 because drinking, duh. After 21 your birthday becomes just another day. I'm 24 and still got excited about my birthday up until I turned 21. Then I realized that's it for the big birthdays.
limabeans101029 21
71- You sound fun. My grandma just turned 86 and we had a party and everything. There was even cake and balloons!
iwadasn 33
80, I suppose you still expect the doctor to give you a sticker and a lollipop as well? Do you throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't?
TallMist 32
You realize you don't have to be childish to enjoy your birthday, right?
JKPwnage 27
Well happy birthday!
Witchylady 18
Happy birthday.
Drosophila82 18
Awwwwwwe, if he only put a few candels in it and then lit up the shit on fire.
savemeSheehan 8
the real question is, do you even have a dog
worldclassrager 41
No question it's your dog and it seems that your dad wasn't too keen about getting one... I guess when you get up afterwords then you'll have your happy birthday's spoken...but you have all of us OP
tanman230 10
I don't get parents like this. he is already awake, notices dog shit and thinks "let me go wake up my kid at 5am to clean it". unless its your dog there really was no reason to wake you up when he could clean it.