Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML
Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they'd remembered, my dad's reaction was, "Oh! Really?" My mom's was, "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I was woken up ungodly early by my dad, who didn't give me even 5 seconds to wake up before barking orders at me to clean the septic tank screen, because it was clogged, but he needed to go to work. Conveniently, he'd already had a shower and "didn't notice" the gurgling toilet until he was done. FML
Today, I woke up early in the morning when it was still dark to go off to work. I saw what looked like a piece of slime that my children would play with and went to pick it up. Nope. Turns out it was puppy shit. Wet, slimy puppy waste. FML
Today, I was helping my Dad pick up the pieces of bark that came off the tree that we'd just cut down. I bent over to grab a dark looking piece of bark. Turn out it was my dogs crap. Fresh, warm, moist piece of crap to be exact. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
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Top comments
skye147 20
It was a present from your dog!! Happy birthday!! :D
cutycat136 28
Well, let's hope that tonight your father has a better surprise for you than the one this morning from your dog. Maybe your dad is just trying to make you think there isn't one by doing that.
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Comments (89)
skye147 20
It was a present from your dog!! Happy birthday!! :D
tanishpradhan 20
You madam, are awesome! XD
incoherentrmblr 22
Where's Stanley Steamer when you need 'em...
Mauskau 36
Several years ago I got ill on holiday, walked into the bathroom door whilst half asleep and threw up all over it. My sister called my mum saying "Happy birthday mum, Zabrina's just been sick, come and clean it up.". D:
Andrewski12 18
At least your dog left you a surprise
JuliaaNoelle 26
OP should feel lucky to have such a thoughtful dog :)
iLike2Teabag 27
Plot twist - OP doesn't have a dog...
Lola26042002 12
Nice present.Happy birthday OP!
jmfreee 16
Happy Birthday! Hope the rest is better.
ayyy_bro 26
Some people suck. Happy birthday!
Oppression_fml 19
Well it's not your father's responsibility to clean the dog's shit apparently. Happy birthday.
Kitty_Kat44 31
Why not? He's the one who saw it and was hopefully aware it was op's birthday. Kind of rude to wake someone up for that when he could have just picked it up himself.
SuperMew 22
Depends. I know when I got a pet my parents told me any mess was mine to clean up. But usually its kinder to just pick it up yourself
Kitty_Kat44 31
I agree if it's op's pet they should take care of it. Just rude the way the dad handled it in my opinion.
PoisonUnicorn 7
I'm pretty sure this was sarcasm
gabby_john_ 15
Happy Birthday tho!
Dodge4x4Ram 46
it's just the morning. it could always get better later on.
Brandi_Faith 34
Seriously though, how many parents are throwing surprise parties or getting the birthday guy up at 5 am to say happy birthday and give presents? I'm confused as to why you thought they'd be doing that at 5 am. Do they usually wake you up that early to celebrate? I also understand the dad wanting you to clean it up. My dad doesn't like dogs, but got me one for my birthday and the dog is completely my responsibility. If the dog crapped on the floor and he saw it while getting ready for work, he'd probably call me to come get it too. Although he'd say happy birthday and give me a hug and kiss first. But I don't think he could bring himself to clean it up even if it was my birthday, he just really dislikes the messes dogs make, and plus he'd be in his suit all ready to go to work.
cutycat136 28
Well, let's hope that tonight your father has a better surprise for you than the one this morning from your dog. Maybe your dad is just trying to make you think there isn't one by doing that.
ShannonBitt 29
Maybe it's actually dad shit, that's how committed he is to his plan
Mafia_ 16
The day may start out bad, but it'll probably get better. Happy Birthday!