Wild child

Today, my wife asked our 17 year-old son to clean his room. Following up, he lied to his mom and said it was clean. After rechecking his room, he began to throw things and I returned to find holes punched in the walls. I went and patched the holes, after which he immediately kicked more holes. FML

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

Home improvement

Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

Today, my 12-year-old son played QWOP on my laptop. Half an hour later, he virtually destroyed it in a fit of rage. FML