Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML
Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML
Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML
Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML
Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML
Today, I was dragged by my dad to the gun range for his pipe dream of a competitive shooting team. Apparently, plinking away on .22s while he and his ex-military buddies compare guns and trade sci-fi war stories until 7 PM is more important than the two research papers I'd set aside to write. FML
Today, I thought it would be fun to join my friends for a game of paintball. I got shot in the same spot three times in a row. It turned out to be my own team, who mistook me for the enemy because I was wearing… camouflage. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML
Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML
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Top comments
PenguinBitch 44
Shoot him in his steroid-shrunken balls.
jkmartinjk 16
That was an EXTREME amount of adjectives.
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Comments (122)
buddy51 23
Strike back, OP, shoot him in the go-dads and watch him crumple in dad-ly weapon inflicted pain!
crip4life 2
Bro, do you even lift?
Ashton1214 0
Actually it can be assault depending on the state you are in. Laws vary from state to state. For example, in New York there is no battery charge in the penal law. The charge is assault.
NickKuiper 8
Something about the word "fucknut" just makes me giggle every time I read it :)
martin_martian7 11
At least you can't go to another paintball game with him!
EvaWarrior 8
@54 this guy lives in the united kingdom tho
fksfsdhfsdfh 26
Press charges!!!
tjv3 10
It appears that he is not a wanabe alpha male, but is an alpha male
lulubelles 33
If he lives in the UK ( I can't see that information) then the legal term would be actual bodily harm, unless the bone broke the skin and blood was spilt, then it's called grievous bodily harm.
junkman6 22
"My dad can't only kick your dads ass but he can kick your ass too!" Also where I paint ball and airlift anything goes but you aren't out until you're shot. Toughen up sweetheart.
jpparkenbone 1
No. Not anything goes. Playing paintball doesn't mean you get to intentionally cause grievous bodily harm to another person.