Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML
Today, my family got together for a big game of paintball. My grandpa wanted to play too, but I told him he was a bit too old for such a rough sport. He joined anyway, and spent the whole 2 hours hunting my dumb ass down. I'm now in constant pain after being riddled with paintballs. FML
Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML
Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML
Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML
Today, I was dragged by my dad to the gun range for his pipe dream of a competitive shooting team. Apparently, plinking away on .22s while he and his ex-military buddies compare guns and trade sci-fi war stories until 7 PM is more important than the two research papers I'd set aside to write. FML
Today, I thought it would be fun to join my friends for a game of paintball. I got shot in the same spot three times in a row. It turned out to be my own team, who mistook me for the enemy because I was wearing… camouflage. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML
Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML
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Top comments
PenguinBitch 44
Shoot him in his steroid-shrunken balls.
jkmartinjk 16
That was an EXTREME amount of adjectives.
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Comments (122)
Drunkenness 9
Next time you play, tell him that the shiv in his neck is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic.
m3lyc 18
Have him arrested for assault and battery. It's what I would have done.
Jellobomb 5
I think the fact that he broke your shoulder proves it's an effective tactic.
rangerPat 12
Yeah 62, he's alpha as **** and proved all doubts wrong with his astonishing show of brutality. He sure knows what it's like to be winning.
Randomxnp 10
He's British. Here it is either ABH or GBH - assault occasioning actual bodily harm or grievous bodily harm, depending on how serious the injury is. Common assault here is any deliberate bodily contact that does not cause bodily harm but that the perpetrator knows is unwanted.
frackhappens 3
Lawsuit
bmxbikeco 7
And that's why steroids are illegal...
yanksby7 6
Where's DocBastard to say you can't actually "break" your shoulder? You can mess it up in a bunch of ways...breaking isn't one of em...
ibrokethehubble 5
I have to disagree with you. It is very possible to break your shoulder. My mother broke hers in a particularly bad fall and went through years of surgery and physical therapy.
groza528 17
If you think that's overkill for a paintball tournament, then try misreading it as "pinball" like I did.
ZombieSazza 34
Lawsuit! I'd have serious words with your "friend" and tell him his dads behaviour is NOT acceptable, he broke your ******* shoulder!!!!!