Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML
Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML
Today, my daughter came home from school crying hysterically. Apparently, her teacher is a vegan douchebag who told the whole class, "If your family eats meat, they're eating your future!" Now she screams when we eat meat. FML
Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML
Today, I made the mistake of telling my militant vegan coworker I have fond memories of hunting with my dad, which set her off like a tofu-powered grenade. If she doesn’t stop treating me like the devil, making snide comments, and other shit, I may have to go to HR about her. FML
Today, the unhealthiest person I know, weighing in at around 350 pounds told me she was now a vegan. I then told her the Cheese-Itz, as well as the leather boots she was wearing wasn't vegan. She said I was wrong. I'm a nutritionist. FML
Today, my family dragged me to a steakhouse, knowing full well I'm vegan. I sat there, with my sad little salad, watching as they stuffed themselves with burned animal flesh and laughed at me. They wonder why I hate them all. FML
Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML
Today, I realized I've become a stereotypical militant vegan when I told a friend that we should start raising Lone Star ticks and dropping them around town so we could spread meat allergies and force people to eat vegan. FML
Today, my vegan step-mom found out I ate at McDonald's yesterday. She gave me hell and asked me how it feels to give money to "murderers". All while my dad sat quietly by because he's too whipped to speak his mind. It wasn't even her house a month ago. FML
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Top comments
theninja1800 11
Out of all the types of annoying douchebags in the world, hypocrites are the worst.
xlord 27
Please show her a book to read. It seems that knowledge from reading is become a hipster thing.
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Comments (160)
missdodd 6
leave an open can of tuna under the seat of her car.
redbandit9877 12
If she has vegan powers, maybe its just the first of her three strikes?
Olympiakos10 15
I hope to God she doesn't become a doctor
deathy94 14
Why? So she doesn't give her patients tuna sandwichs?
VeganVampyre 27
Don't worry, if she doesn't even know that tuna are animals, there's no way in hell she'd ever even get accepted into medical school. "So what's the name of the system that moves the blood through your body?" "There's blood in my body? That's barbaric!" I think we're safe :P
PvtParts417 15
I hope to god she doesn't breed
Lizardgirl 7
This is the most beautiful sentence I've read all night...
kemic 7
So, who do you think is gonna survive longer? The barbarian, or the druid? I don't know about anyone else here, but I'd rather be a barbarian than a druid any day of the week.
BauerMegan 31
This isn't WOW.
militarybrat 21
Its actually diablo. But good guess
kemic 7
#79, 2 things: 1) Barbarian is not a playable class in WoW. 2) Using the term "Hippy" would not have been as period centric as referring to them as "Druids" when the term "Barbaric" was already used.
blondie107 20
Hypocritical people are SO annoying.. They criticize you extensively, then go ahead and do it and get mad when you mention it.. Some people.. Tsk tsk
chosha_fml 27
Please delight us OP with the story of what happened when you explained that vegans don't eat what she was eating.
chosha_fml 27
Later that day: Today I was berating someone for being a carnivore, and extolling the virtues of veganism. He then pointed out the non-vegan tuna fish sandwich I was eating. FML
Pussycat86 18
Craved a tuna melt sandwich while reading this FML
Squygm 7
She doesn't even qualify as a vegetarian. She's a pescetarian.