Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML
Today, I picked my son up from school, and asked how his day went. He told me how his friend explained to him that his mommy snorts sugar with his uncle, and if he could try what his friend's mom calls "Booger sugar" when we got home. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's school. He was in the nurse office puking. I picked him up and the dumbass said he'd eaten one of those stupid "WORLD'S HOTTEST SNACK" things and it made him sick. Idiot. No sympathy whatsoever from me. FML
Today, I realized it was mistake telling my son to toughen up and fight his own battles when he told me he was getting bullied. Apparently, his idea of fighting his own battles involves ipecac. I don't know where he got it, but when I asked, he just gave the Kubrick stare and denied knowing what I was talking about. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Today, I had to stop my son from climbing out the window, slithering on the stairs like a snake, and attempting to call 911 to help bring him down from his “bad trip”. What caused all this? His older brother convinced him the dried mushrooms in the kitchen were ‘shrooms and the idiot beloved him. FML
Today, I gave my kid some Pop Rocks. He shoveled a handful in his mouth, then screamed when they started popping and spat them all over the carpet. FML
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Top comments
iAmScrubs 19
He thought he was Charlie Sheen. Don't blame him.
Igor_g5 0
You didn't teach him how to tell real coke from BS. That's where you went wrong.
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Comments (271)
shift_love 13
cocaines one hell of a drug.
shift_love 13
I'm Rick James bitch!
techweed 12
What an idiot!!!!!
upstartzero 0
bakin like a pro! :D they grow up so fast. hahaha jus kiddin
LEGALIZEWEED 0
seriously coke how sad
futtbuck101 1
little scarface
stormlvr 0
And the douche bag award goes to.....*drum roll*...... Honestly idk. Who thinks the kid for snorting that or for the parent and their uh award winning parenting? :/
CryMoreFMLs 15
Its not the parents fault the kid has no common sense 48...
grumpybarista 0
So is OP upset that the kid wants to do coke? Or that the kid can't tell the difference between real and fake coke?
florecitabetch 0
i think op it's upset that he can't tell the difference @ 66
HeavyMetalViking 0
Yea, I would have snorted Dr. Peppers instead. All you need is black and white pepper, grounded.
dolphincheddar 10
yes becuase snorting something that makes u immediately sneeze it out is really smart -_-
Bano360 25
My friends sold "hash" to someone before. It was actually basil :-P
xtacticalswarmx 0
Hash is actually the color of tar. Your friend is a moron for trying to do that, and the people that bought it are even more stupid.-.-
sadistmonkey 19
Bano's friend isn't necessarily a moron if he knew that the guy he sold it to was gullible.
w0rsh1psk8r 0
You're stupid. hash looks nothing like bud. its usually a sticky black/brown substance that you can eat or smoke. and your friends are assholes.
rallets 23
talk about getting baked :/
EvilPotato 15
techweed it's funny that you call him an idiot for trying to do coke, yet your name has "weed" in it.
Chanistheman19 5
the reason I clicked on the fml was to find the first person to realize that! OP shouldn't be talking like that. it prob runs in the family.
MisterMuffinz 13
win
kyarush 10
movies... lol scarface?
jvillan87 5
I'm thinking it's a bit of both.
TookaWooka666 0
This is why you always spend time together as a family and teach the kid how to do it the right way lol.
FunnyGuy5051 7
#178 it's not like weed is bad
heavymetalman1 0
Maybe the kid was trying to pawn of kief, which like 75% of the population call hash
iAmScrubs 19
He thought he was Charlie Sheen. Don't blame him.
upstartzero 0
well at least the kid is winning...
iAmScrubs 19
Therefore he wins, which makes him bi-winning.
cowgod123 0
BRRRRAAAAANNDDDOOONNN ROYYY!!
Fiskerz 0
DUH WINNING
Keyman1212 14
He's a violent torpedo of truth!
OhSoBueno 0
his mom sounds like troll.
agaba 0
damm that kid has tiger blood
bitchslapped22 14
Hey, I have an idea! We should all stop making Charlie Sheen jokes now because no one gives a shit anymore!
eatsocks 0
what a beast! Hahahaha
heathersmorin 0
You, 147, are not winning.
iAmScrubs 19
147- I have an even better idea. You shut up and stop being a wet blanket.
whoa_is_failz 6
hes losing.
EvilPotato 15
the only question I have is where did he get the baking soda, and aspirin?
robotiick 12
WINING //¡||¡||G
raytaybinks 0
I was thinking the same thing. aspirin at school maybe...not sure about the baking soda
smhansen92 0
^win!
snowboarder25 0
147 u need to get bitchslapped, ill make u live up to ur name
ykthechild 0
he must have been an evolved warlock...unlike number 147
gingerrrr88 11
Baking soda from home ec lab maybe?
iamslimshady 1
Winning!
snowdrift 6
haha
hiyourcute 0
Wait, he thought it WAS coke? hahahaha
livin_plur 0
He must have been trying to show off because I'm sure if he had done it before he'd remember the taste
ImInABox 6
He was just trying to live up to your standards.
marix54888 0
sounds correct.
GeraldisTheG 3
spongebob speaks the truth
Igor_g5 0
You didn't teach him how to tell real coke from BS. That's where you went wrong.
VinegarStrokes 0
This comment was ******* GOLD.
sematariux 7
hahahaha
KiantoNari 0
rofl!!
LaRee 0
agreed!(:
CatEyes66 0
Hahah, I wouldn't even tell which is which just because he is stupid and trying to do coke.
HeavyMetalViking 0
Obviously he missed out the key ingredient, "Intelligence".
ashseal 11
hahha very true
dwhite312 0
from the sound of it, it doesn't seem like you loved him enough.
instnt1nfction 17
you know how ye feels, don't you
ArthursLifeSucks 2
Actually I think she didn't beat him enough. Spare the rod, create an idiot.
lextheplex 0
idk where you went wrong probably alot of places including here calling your child a twerp on FML. #badparent SMH
anorexicbarbie 8
Seriously?
ScuseMePrincess 2
Yeah, "twerp" isn't strong enough. "Nincompoop" or "imbecile" would have been better.
startrekker 3
lol, yeah that's the definition of a bad parent, calling your kid a twerp on fml. grow up.
ijrnelson 0
lmao at 28. nice win
klonopin_ftw 0
Vicky really ****** with timmy's mind when she baby sat him. she even drove him to cocaine. poor Wanda and cosmo just keep poofing up more for him. tsktsk
samadams42 0
i too am shaking my head at this anomoly.
iAmScrubs 19
This is not twitter. There is no need to use pointless hashtags.
gemzroxya 0
he did it at school. clearly the mother was not there to be a 'bad parent'. its not like she told him to do it.
TheDrifter 24
Love how all the other idiot children think that using "twerp" to describe her child makes op a bad parent. How politically correct has the world become?