Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML
Today, I picked my son up from school, and asked how his day went. He told me how his friend explained to him that his mommy snorts sugar with his uncle, and if he could try what his friend's mom calls "Booger sugar" when we got home. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's school. He was in the nurse office puking. I picked him up and the dumbass said he'd eaten one of those stupid "WORLD'S HOTTEST SNACK" things and it made him sick. Idiot. No sympathy whatsoever from me. FML
Today, I realized it was mistake telling my son to toughen up and fight his own battles when he told me he was getting bullied. Apparently, his idea of fighting his own battles involves ipecac. I don't know where he got it, but when I asked, he just gave the Kubrick stare and denied knowing what I was talking about. FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal. My son had pooped in the schoolyard, then gave the teacher a Ziploc bag, and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML
Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Today, I had to stop my son from climbing out the window, slithering on the stairs like a snake, and attempting to call 911 to help bring him down from his “bad trip”. What caused all this? His older brother convinced him the dried mushrooms in the kitchen were ‘shrooms and the idiot beloved him. FML
Today, I gave my kid some Pop Rocks. He shoveled a handful in his mouth, then screamed when they started popping and spat them all over the carpet. FML
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Top comments
iAmScrubs 19
He thought he was Charlie Sheen. Don't blame him.
Igor_g5 0
You didn't teach him how to tell real coke from BS. That's where you went wrong.
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Comments (271)
shades1989 6
u dont deserve to be a parent calling ur kid a twerp!!!
geeksaresexy 18
Maybe the baking soda will help you raise him?
paradiseisland01 0
omg too funny .
lostfaithinpppl 19
OP, you fail as a parent. Not because you called your son a twerp, but because you raised an idiot who will most likely contribute to the gene pool.
skejet 0
you're Dutch, right? Je zoon is een halvegare als hij niet eens aan echte coke kan komen, het ligt in alle coffeeshops. Ik ben 15 en kan binnen een uur wat regelen.
skejet 0
you're Dutch, right? Je zoon is een halvegare als hij niet eens aan echte coke kan komen, het ligt in alle coffeeshops. Ik ben 15 en kan binnen een uur wat regelen.
paradiseisland01 0
you really need to have a serious talk to your son, and try to find out where he learned this nasty little habit from. He had to see it from some where.
BAMF519 0
haha that's so funny I did the same thing a year ago with my friend except we used fun dip at my class valentines day party!
619warrior281 5
cocaine bear is upset.
alexxss_fml 10
you went wrong by not giving him the real deal. smh. Shame on you OP
drew1978 4
Cocaine's a helluva drug!