Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all that, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said, "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML
Today, I arranged a romantic dinner for my boyfriend. His favourite meal, fresh flowers, scented candles. Everything went beautifully, at least until he wrapped an arm around me and whispered, "Want some dick?" into my ear. Mood horrifically ruined. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. He was so nervous, he broke down in tears after failing to unclasp my bra after multiple fumbling attempts. Mood? Ruined. FML
Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML
Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pocket. Turns out he'd written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML
Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML
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Top comments
thequickredofox 0
Sheesh - poor guy was under so much pressure, what with trying to replicate every cliched movie ever made 'n all, no wonder he choked!
allmidnighteyes 11
Rose petals? Somebody's read a few too many romance novels. At least you didn't have a Twilight fantasy.... **** that shit.
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Comments (241)
waterynuggets 0
It probably wouldn't have been that great at first anyways
birds_fml 7
The first time is never great, nor perfect. My first time was okay, and that's really the best you can hope for. It doesn't get good till you've done it enough to be good at it.
DameGreyWulf 1
Maybe OP meant "first time" with THIS boyfriend. Just saying. Though... he obviously had the anxiety thing going on, so at least one of them was a virgin ("Oh god my first girl" / "Oh god her first time") Also you should not pick flower petals directly off a growing flower. They WILL have ants. .... and who the hell actually plays a CD when making love? lol... I adore music and all but I dunno...
allmidnighteyes 11
It's all about playing the Power Rangers theme song, followed by the Ninja Turtles and Pokemon theme songs.
waterynuggets 0
#27 I seriously doubt that if the OP was too dumb to make sure the CD still worked and to check roses she probably picked from right outside. Oh, and, wanting everything to be perfect, especially with -anyone- for the first time, despite if they're a virgin or not.
whoaelena 0
Hahaaha I LOVE THAT IDEA! *steals them* @28
ariean 0
agreed. haha sucks to have been the OP or the boyfriend. I think you probably both just expected so much out of it that it killed the desire.
kirstiKORPSE 0
you belong on MLIA not FML ;] @28.
Gavik 0
YDI for not giving it up on the first date.
sharshar486 0
hahaha #78! true story.
monicamischief 0
you deserve it for thinking the first time will be perfect. what is it with people building their first time having sex into some perfect big specticle. hell, i just wanted to get rid of my virginity and get it over with. :/ and you also deserve it for trying losing it to a guy that either gay or a virgin. or probably both. SEX ISN'T SPECIAL, KIDS.
slack3r9 0
#9 i was going to say the exact same thing
joy1523 0
i knew this post was by pimpin88 the instant i had to scroll down three times and still couldn't see the end of the post. that, and the fact that it again seemed to be written by a 15 year old with an inflated sense of his experience with the female sex.
americayay 0
Eh. First times are overrated. The most you can hope for is that it'll be with someone you love and it won't be too terribly awkward. Because sex is just plain awkward sometimes.
Xinabeth 0
Wait what? Why do you think she's blonde? And a child molester? What's wrong with wanting something to be perfect? She just wanted it to be special.
VoxEOD 0
i've done that, but it really only came into play at the dorm when i preferred to drown my gf out so you couldn't hear her in the hall
DameGreyWulf 1
Actually, my mother said her first time was wonderful. Compared to other times, it was fairly pathetic. But as a first time, it was great. Point is, you can have a good first time too, sometimes.
staystrongholdon 0
you're an asshole . go jerk yourself .
VenusBlue 0
Haha the first time is never good.And the biggest mistake is that you tried to make it good,ahaha.
LiiLii_13 0
yeaa epic fail
iislix1ii 19
When you plan your first time its almost never good usually it just "happens" and it turns out awsome
blinkingstarlet 15
(in response to the power rangers theme song etc comment) #foreveralone lol
Spenceryue 0
I'm into leather
egaonogenki 0
YDI for not using an MP3 player.
dandymidori 0
I concur... that poor guy must have been SO nervous ):
sobe23 0
I LOVE YOU!!! haha. best comment of the day =)
B4SK3TB4IL 0
ydi 4 liking men
zangledog 0
soo close to being first ): haha oh well
123sploosh 0
dont you hate that?
lol123mely 0
lol that sucks, but there is always other times :)!
acenima 0
1st
klpryde 0
Fail
BTR_lover 1
More like 5th..
nuked 0
Rose petals? Give me a ******* break, it's not American Beauty! Lol, allmidnighteyes, too slow :P
amberrox55 0
how did you know he pisted that if you posted before him
allmidnighteyes 11
Rose petals? Somebody's read a few too many romance novels. At least you didn't have a Twilight fantasy.... **** that shit.
jook_fml 0
Putting body glitter on her boyfriend would have killed any interest he'd have.
Captain0bv10us 0
Use glitter as lube. Haha. No? I'll go back to my cave now...
drybamboo 0
Whoa, too much planning for what should be a spontaneous and passionate affair.
luvz2ski 0
i agree, you cant plan sex...it just doesnt happen that way lol
thequickredofox 0
Sheesh - poor guy was under so much pressure, what with trying to replicate every cliched movie ever made 'n all, no wonder he choked!
allmidnighteyes 11
Ohh he may have choked, but we all know she's wishing that she could've been the one who choked ;D
thequickredofox 0
Hush! We all know that in perfect little rose petal fantasies there is nothing as unsavoury as that *pfft* Everything will be perfect and they'll ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after....... won't they???
Rogue252xbl 0
RIDE! HAHA!
thequickredofox 0
*teehee*
v1knownaz_chris 0
why didnt you dry hump him until he got it up then? or just not plan it? since nothings perfect.
dri_dri_fml 18
Perfection is boring :)