Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML
Today, I caught my mom trying to get secretly smashed out of her brain-box on booze at 8:00 a.m. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, I told my mom I was thinking of having a baby. She told me it was a huge mistake because children cost a fortune, make you miserable, and if she'd had her chance again she would have gotten her tubes tied when she was 18 and saved herself the grief. Gee, thanks mom. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML
Today, my alarm went off at 6:30am. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year-old guy. FML
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Top comments
draegbomb 5
In other words you were a load your mother should've swallowed.
Linkerdoodles 15
Well, your mom is kind of a bitch. Sorry OP.
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Comments (108)
high_tower87 9
People should learn what sarcasm and jokes are. Hilarious!
thiscrazything 1
That is just cold.
Birdie_Sage 0
Say: I guess I was really the chosen baby to put up with you crap.
Birdie_Sage 0
*Your
musicluvr2000 11
Knowledge
Azula272 14
Well if she was dumb enough to not use protection then ydi to her stupid self. Kids aren't playthings. Ex: 16 and Pregnant :/
_MidnightLuna_ 17
**** her. She's a bitch. If I were you I'd move out and never speak to her again.
l0v3p4in 7
I hope you talk like this to your parents, so that they can easily show you the door and never have to hear from you again. God bless them for having to put up with you and good riddances if you have already moved out.
_MidnightLuna_ 17
Ouch, that hurts my feelings. Oh and god doesn't exist so stop trying to bless people with an imaginary man in the sky.
antwon86 4
I applaud #93… even though we have different religious feelings I love that she just shut that guy or girl right ******* up
Taymah49 7
Don't go searching for trouble in pandora's box
babyshaft408 8
That's awesome high five mom
linkinpark98 24
Don't worry! Whenever you feel down & out, always remember that you were the first cell to reach the egg. :)
MrsUresti 8
Oohhhhh BURN!!!!! :))