Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I'm so bad that I bore myself. FML

Cranking

Today, I started to cry while masturbating. This isn't the first time that this has happened. FML

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

Can't be bothered

Today, I realised just how lazy I am when I was about to masturbate, but decided not to because I didn't want to put in the effort. FML

Let it out

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

Woman DESTROYS her sex life with FACTS and some sort of LOGIC

Today, I'm horny as hell, but I'm such a germaphobe that I don't want to be touched by anyone else, and now, after looking in the mirror and seeing how disgusting I look, I can't even touch myself, not with a vibrator, my hand or a 10-foot pole. FML

Oddly specific

Today, I realized I masturbate too much when I got turned on by the smell of my shampoo. FML

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

Crank

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML