Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

Trick it is, then

Today, after a stressful shift at work, I bought three bags of candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters tonight. I didn’t realize until I got home that one bag had a hole in it, and there were three empty M&M wrappers inside. My grocery store sucks. FML

Halloween, the long wait

Today, I asked my girlfriend to get a bunch of candy for our first Halloween at our new house, so she got $60 worth. We got into an argument about who was going to give it out. It’s now 9 p.m. No one came to our door all night. FML

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML