Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML
Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML
Today, while stocking the shelves, a customer demanded I ring up his stuff. I’m not a cashier and therefore don’t have a login code to do so, so I told him as such. He then pulled out a knife and threatened to stab me if I didn’t ring him up. I’m currently writing this from the ER. FML
Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML
Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML
Today, when I got up for work, I went into the bathroom and saw a coat hanger sitting in the crack of the window. I had a panic attack, thinking someone had tried to break in and grabbed a knife. I ran into the room where my boyfriend was sleeping and he said he put it there. FML
Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML
Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML
Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML
Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML
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Top comments
KK3137 31
Well that's not knife..
br0ccoli 15
If your gut told you he's dangerous, your paranoia might actually be true. I feel like people's gut feeling is THE 6th sense an not listening will screw you over, especially of he minces onions angrily.
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Comments (92)
KK3137 31
Well that's not knife..
hecallsmedarlin 7
Is this supposed to be a "funny" way of saying "that's not nice"?.... It didn't work.
eb0ny 15
At least you tried... kind of.
GirlYouNasty 11
That's not a knife...THIS is a knife!
ALlamaOnFire 20
These puns are so old. People need to think outside the box. OP, I think you should see a doctor, your life will be hell if you stay that paranoid, good luck:)
officeradvil 8
I see you've played knifey spoony before.
robc32ca 4
It seems not many people got the Crocodile Dundee reference. I liked it!!!
nancyschmancy 9
Can't see what's not there. Nice try giving him an out for his really lame pun though! I gave you a thumbs up for that!
KK3137 31
*her pun... and thank you, I had to give it a shot.. :D not an amazing (or good) pun, but I didn't see why not. Sorry to annoy y'all.
Cappiej 18
17- The doctor he needs... DocBastard, yay!
Jonkbaby 23
that's snot cool
Zazoo1995 23
That's the kind of paranoia that would keep you alive in life-death situations.
bjoernabee 1
Well... Shit
eb0ny 15
What an insightful comment. I feel an epiphany coming on.
wallandpiece 16
This sounds like a great film plot. Unless it's already been done.
ManInTheMachine 20
I believe this was the underlying theme to all of the Twilight movies.
BunchieRules 31
30 - You beat me to it! Either that, or Gigli.
happyevil 10
Well everyone does it absentmindedly. It's like how I'm sitting in class thinking how I'm going to save everyone if a gunman ran through the door...
MDM15 5
New job maybe?
wellnevermind 4
Why does my brain automatically links this to "call me maybe?" song?! *tries to shoot myself*
MDM15 5
Lol I when I re-read it I thought the same thing
iloveandy143 7
Haha I've had that song stuck in my head lately
ladyLALAA 29
I like the end of the videoclip the guy is gay and gives his number to the guitarist...
nado13579 12
The Youtube comments ruined the ending of the video for me. :(
wellnevermind 4
Phew that's a relief. Thought I was the only one... I still think that song is gonna end up killing all neurons in every human being. Finally, taking over the world like "Its Friday" & "Baby" song did. *keeps trying to kill myself*
nofearjenshere 12
53 - That's why I always wait until the video is over before i read the comments. Damn spoilers.
laden_swallow09 35
3 - I don't think OP's current job is the problem, here…
rexcanis 10
A new job won't help, the zombie invasion will happen wherever OP works.
br0ccoli 15
If your gut told you he's dangerous, your paranoia might actually be true. I feel like people's gut feeling is THE 6th sense an not listening will screw you over, especially of he minces onions angrily.
123josie123 11
^ jup, with that being said... This is your queue to go OP!
HerrBawl 4
*cue
123josie123 11
Bite me grammar nazi, it was an honest mistake.
KeyboardWarrior 10
And it was an honest correction. Wouldn't you be thankful later on when you don't misspell cue on your job application, thus making you look slightly more intelligent and getting you the job? All thanks to this little "grammar nazi" here?
MerrikBarbarian 9
4 has a very good point. Listening to your gut can save your life. Lord knows there is enough crazy people out there killing and eating others I'd want a plan to safely disable anyone in close proximity to me with a potential weapon. Better safe then sorry op, and if your gut is right you'll be the safest person there.
craphappened 4
So, that's not normal? I think like that too. Except I know it's just my imagination. Maybe you're just imaginative?
MerrikBarbarian 9
66- note to self- avoid banks with you. ;) Though I run through dozens of potential disaster scenarios and how to deal with them regularly, and learn to improvise tools. I figure mild paranoia never hurt anyone if it lead to good tactical planning. Assume the worst while hoping for the best is my motto
craphappened 4
66 I do that sometimes. Hah! And I always have a strategy ready in my head in case someone decides to rob me at the ATM.
craphappened 4
Yeah 70! Never hurts to be a little paranoid. Prepares you for the inevitable.
SuperGirlTaDa 15
I found my type of people!
tony1891 22
never know. he might actually be thinking about it.
hecallsmedarlin 7
Well, it's always good to be prepaid. You never know. There are a lot of sick psychotic people out there.... Or maybe with all the 48 hours I watch I'm just as paranoid as you.
iloveandy143 7
Prepaid .. Lol
thiscrazything 1
I try to be prepaid, every chance I can.
hecallsmedarlin 7
Oops, prepared * My bad!
Calyx_fml 22
Nice pic #7!
hecallsmedarlin 7
^thanks!
ihaveFMLfeverr 5
Yeah I really like your pic, it really cool :)
wellnevermind 4
I feel sorry for you OP. Just keep in mind they won't kill you... Maybe. Oh, and cheer up. (:
saywhaat12 2
Could be an undercover Freddy Kreugar. U never know these days
ChickInGreenVans 12
And how's that working for you buddy??
PInK_ExCiTeD 7
It didn't work for you, that's for sure... -.-