Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out I'm going to be celebrating New Year's with a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. It's been two days since I discovered I'm gluten intolerant to go with my lactose intolerance. It's also my 28th birthday tomorrow. FML
Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML
Today, I started my week-long girlscation with two of my childhood friends. So far, one hasn't stopped burping, farting, or talking about "needing dick", and the other can't stop trying to one up everyone else in the car. Day one out of five. Sigh. FML
Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML
Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML
Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML
Today, after fasting for 24 hours and drinking 2 buckets of laxatives, my doctor's office notified me that my colonoscopy had been cancelled. I'd just finished the prep by taking the fart pills, and now have the cleanest colon ever. A lot of time spent on the toilet that I’ll never get back though. FML
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with four other people, with one fridge. FML
Today, I got ready to stay over at my boyfriend's house. I brought food, new lingerie, and I got a bikini wax. I did stay overnight, but I was holding a bucket for him because he had gastroenteritis. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
These are normal meal-time conversations at the Bastard household. We throw in pus, the stench of dead colon, and blood just for good measure.
fuzz97 23
Join the party! Talk about your vasectomy, your hemorrhoids, or any other gross medical issues in your life.
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Comments (57)
sugarshane007 20
Well this is a shitty conversation. Seems like your old friends have some diarrhea of the mouth.
iOceanus 18
It was a good attempt.
winkydog4056 16
#18_Thank you for the endearing mental image. Gotta go, your comment made my butt itch.
N3766 20
...but we both know you have more.
DocBastard 40
These are normal meal-time conversations at the Bastard household. We throw in pus, the stench of dead colon, and blood just for good measure.
aJaguarinRed 9
I, too, suffer from the mouth of a person in the medical field. Don't forget the lingering essence of dead and living drunks, their projectile vomit and bloody stool.
ShyAnn29 15
I could also talk about ileostomies, and the unfortunate things that can happen, like when it leaks.
Rick832 5
And we also can't forget the ever so pleasant scent of a lower GI bleed.
iOceanus 18
Or discussing someone's stitches in their private place.
Ameel_fml 19
I realized I was getting older when my friends stopped talking about things like shopping and boyfriends, and started talking about their embarrassing medical stories instead. :(
PreviousFMLer 2
These are references to previous FMLs.
viper8608 9
hey. those are important topics.
buckdharma 38
It's time to develop some intestinal fortitude. Don't bowel down...
Epikouros 32
And you can't even have anal sex when you're bored. FYL.
BrotherTheo 31
On the + side you're not talking about your friends who have passed on. Count your blessings.