Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, I gave the back door a slight nudge to make sure it was latched shut. Of course, it flew wide open, causing me to smash my face into the doorframe, fall out onto the back porch writhing in pain, and have blood pissing out of my face. FML
Today, I was rushing with the dishes when I scraped against a very sharp knife, which left a noticeable cut right down my wrist. No one believes my story that it was a freak kitchen accident, they think that I’m either an attention seeking fucknut, or crying out for help. FML
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Top comments
ifailplzinsultme 0
Tell them that you were playing angry birds and one of them left the screen and attacked you
kitty_f 3
why not ?! just admit it
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Comments (169)
Simofoster 0
That's not that bad!
jennifer93 0
say you got knifed by a mugger when you were saving some old woman's life
mismonroe 0
When you were helping a little old lady cross the street you saw that a kitten was stuck high up in a tree, which you scaled, bare handed. After bringing it down safely you tore that kittens owners (a Halle Berry lookalike) ass up like she swallowed a whole BOX of staples. And then got attacked by a pigeon..
iSurf_fml 8
God, if just one stable was bad...
mismonroe 0
Oh yeah.
Taurusbaybe 8
The excuses people are coming up with are more entertaining than the FML itself. Oh, say you were in bar fight, and won! It's plausible!
UnicornHooker 0
Blame a Hispanic girl gang initiation ceremony. Like the one on American Dad. On another note, I love pigeons. The ones in my town eat out of my hand. I love rats too. I'm weirdly fond of vermin.
mismonroe 0
There's a pigeon in your hair!
UnicornHooker 0
Oh no, there's not. My head has been shaved since that photo was taken. I shaved my hair off for a leukaemia charity.
rhysfucker 24
my buddy had a pet rat named Toby. he used to ride around on by bud's shoulder. he was a cool rat. not very fond of pigeons, though
mismonroe 0
Go you. Rats are quite the pet, I had two as a teenager, they're actually pretty brilliant.
UnicornHooker 0
That's so cool. I trained my old Dumbo Rat to ride around on my shoulder. They're really clever animals, and learn cool little tricks like that really quickly.
staymintyfresh 13
I own a dumbo rat I will never understand how people hate them.
UnicornHooker 0
I ******* love dumbo rats. Rats are one of my favourite animals. I strongly approve of all rat owners.
CRrawsum 7
That sounds pretty G to me...
UnicornHooker 0
Oh, I have another excuse; tell them you woke up to a tiger in your bathroom.
rattusrattus 19
Pigeons are pure evil. This is further evidence!
User1518 6
Agreed!
kona314 1
If they were rude about asking you, you could tell them that they're wife got a little out of hand XD
yourshootingstar 4
hahahahhahaha what a funny fml how does that even happen to someone?!
User1518 6
Pigons are pure evil. That's how. O_o