Today, I'm trying to come up with a plausible explanation for my co-workers as to why I have stitches in my face. I'm not sure I want to admit that I was clawed by a pigeon as I opened my garage door. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at work, I managed to scrape open the inside of my nose with my fingernail, drawing blood in the process. I had to quickly up an explanation for my scream that didn't go: "Well, I was scouting for boogers..." FML
Today, I was attacked by a bird at three in the morning. The bird was being attacked by an owl, and it decided the safest place to land wasn't in a tree, but my face. No one will believe me, despite the 12 stitches across my face. FML
Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML
Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML
Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML
Today, I accidentally gave myself a black eye. I would laugh about it if my friends didn't start suspecting that my husband is abusing me, and won't listen when I try to explain what really happened. FML
Today, I gave the back door a slight nudge to make sure it was latched shut. Of course, it flew wide open, causing me to smash my face into the doorframe, fall out onto the back porch writhing in pain, and have blood pissing out of my face. FML
Today, I was rushing with the dishes when I scraped against a very sharp knife, which left a noticeable cut right down my wrist. No one believes my story that it was a freak kitchen accident, they think that I’m either an attention seeking fucknut, or crying out for help. FML
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Top comments
ifailplzinsultme 0
Tell them that you were playing angry birds and one of them left the screen and attacked you
kitty_f 3
why not ?! just admit it
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Comments (169)
brooooks 0
atleast it didn't poo on you!
ilovemusic7 0
scratched by a liger while attempting to save a supermodel？(:
ILoveCTP 3
Announce with pride
brooooks 0
lol awyeah
WALLOOP 6
now that woulda been unfortunate
EvilPotato 15
I don't get it that's a perfectly good reason.
miamiheatfan56 0
You were making out with your prostitute, when you went for her neck, and she had sharp earings?
cmfh88 0
damn nature you scary
GigaB 0
lol!!
Darth_Naru 0
Tell them it was a giant mutated pigeon.
ljesm14 1
I dunno dude. Being clawed by a pigeon seems pretty badass.
DaySetsFire 2
pigeon used scratch it's super effective
The_Weirdo 10
At least it wasn't a **** that attacked your face. I had to tell my friend I was clawed by a **** before, damn chickens.
champagne210 0
real life angry birds...never thought I'd see the day
Matty1188 6
It is. I thought OP was going to say they walked into a glass door or something. the disappointment is thick.
Ali_Br_fml 33
wow, stitches from a glass door would have been funny. I had to look at OP's location because I was going to work in New Rochelle yesterday and saw pigeon wings and idk what the other part was, but no body. (obviously it must be dead) It was weird that op had a bad experience with a pigeon in France, and I see a bodiless one on New York... Almost like OP willed it to happen... And I'm not lying. If anyone lives in New Rochelle, it was outside of the Metronorth, near memorial highway before you cross the street, right where all the cabs stay. It may still be there. (excuse my lack of capitalization if I missed 1 or 2... iPods don't fix that automatically)
princessRiRi97 0
133- tl; dr.... too long didnt read!
princessRiRi97 0
Say you got mugged in a dark ally late at night and the guy that mugged you stabbed you in the face a few times...and the scars just happen to look like claws
kitty_f 3
why not ?! just admit it
babyfireball77 14
exactly!
icyfire617 10
There's nothing embarrassing about getting attacked by a bird.
bitchslapped22 14
33 Ironically your picture is a bird.
UnicornHooker 0
I got attacked by an owl once. She was nesting in my horse's stable, and I, unaware of her presence, unwittingly disturbed her when I was mucking out. I wasn't ashamed, everybody thought I was like, Chuck Norris for fighting off an owl.
Zeek63 0
tell them it had knives for feet.
UnicornHooker 0
Kudos, 53; you managed to make me laugh. If you had any idea how difficult it is to make me laugh, then you'd be proud.
EpicPear 0
^how much you charge?
UnicornHooker 0
It varies depending upon what services you require. As the world's only unicorn in the prostitution business, you must understand my fees run high.
ScaughtieHolden 11
Yea 33, especially a bird as badass as a pigeon. And Op, you kinda got "taloned" not clawed.
EvilPotato 15
67 your talking to a Epic pear shouldn't your fees be lowered, like c'mon what kind of Unicorn doesn't want to do nasty things to a pear of epicness.
angrymexican 8
do chickens have large talons?
Zya_fml 8
Well, 55, I am proud to say you have a terrible sense of humor.
iluvhobos 5
Exactly, what's wrong with that explanation?
ifailplzinsultme 0
Tell them that you were playing angry birds and one of them left the screen and attacked you
Shortyy10 0
omg i love that!!!!
stphcampos 0
love!
thenewguy21 0
loveeeeeeee
JesusFishTaco 5
I would say that wolverine attacked me after I did an impression of him with Freddy fingers while he watched from behind my back. Then I would say that I hit him in the back of the head with a rolling pin when he flipped me off with his middle claw.
ifailplzinsultme 0
104 screen name is amazing.... I love angry birds too:)
JesusFishTaco 5
lol 106 Your the second person to tell me that.
ILoveVilleValo 0
lol angry birds is so cool :D
TrollsFTW 0
say u were clawed while banging a super model.
FarSide 23
Tell 'em you ran out of peanut butter. One excuse is as good as another.
mk58 31
The pigeon got scared of your face. Sorry to break it to you, OP.
AnagenisisZagus 13
Tell them you got into it with Santa. Even their kids will look up to you.
instnt1nfction 17
amen to that
kgal1287 0
tell them the trueth if they laugh then they aren't your true friends
TrollsFTW 0
Or it's not the end of the world, so they are true friends?
tk1235 0
umm that's not really true lol. if one of my true friends got attacked by a bird I would laugh
JapMASTER5000 0
Co-workers, not friends...
ruthchun92 2
lol, they probably wouldnt believe you anyway
TrollsFTW 0
or it's not the end of the world, so they are true friends?
julz0125 5
my friends would laugh at me. but they'd probably half expect something like that from me lol. BUT I would also laugh if it happened to them :{)
sabrinahusic 0
who knew pigeons were so violent?.
kut19 6
I did. I won't say how I know this.
taylahkate93 0
You can't just say that! I am quite intrigued now..
sabrinahusic 0
Come on 65 lol we all want to know now! XD do you need to create an FML
MerrikBarbarian 9
me! mind I live with a pet one who's favorite games are peck my head and attack my fingers as I try work