Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boss brought his cat to the office. Despite our no pet policy, I still managed to get the blame when the crazy animal scratched 3 colleagues and peed on the floor after my boss left for bathroom. Apparently I was supposed to be "looking after it". FML
Today, I had to explain to yet another HR manager that no, my bruises, scratches, and scars do not mean I’m lying about being in an abusive marriage, it just means I’m a Muay Thai fighter who owns a cat who is a moody, scratchy little bastard. FML
Today, my extremely affectionate and docile cat, whom I love like a child and has never drawn blood, scratched my roommate of one day in the face while I was at work. She claims he just went ballistic, and I don't believe she's telling me everything. What the hell did she do to my cat? It's gonna be a long lease. FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I picked up my cat and he went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later, a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor, who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML
Today, I was cooking when I got jumped from behind by my friend's cat, who thought my back would make a great lookout perch. Yesterday he tried to sharpen his claws on me. Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a tree trunk, but maybe I need glasses. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I disciplined my cat for meowing too loudly in my apartment and disturbing neighbors by picking her up by the scruff. She then proceeded to scratch the ever living crap out of my hand, now it looks like Wolverine got a hold of me. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
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Top comments
VeganDarkLight 31
When I read the first sentence, I thought OP was cutting. The way the FML ended is definetly not nice either, but I was relieved though!
devildog562 33
Spawn of satan.
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Comments (112)
devildog562 33
Spawn of satan.
adrian1910 15
Spray it with water
cinskeep43 15
from a pressure washer
incoherentrmblr 22
Just run the vacuum very close to it...
sayyestothedress 24
#1 it crawled out of satan ass
ChristianH39 30
This is why I will always be a dog person.
Diarrhea_Volcano 29
Get a priest
dragonkisses28 25
And they say no animals are truly evil. My sister had one that would sit on the shelf and scratch the hell out of you when you walked by. Then it would growl and hiss if you looked at it. She called him black jack. I called him satan.
Mightytall 35
Everybody gets the cat they deserve!
weveallbeenthere 30
time to get rid of the cat.
devildog562 33
Hard to give up pussy though.
jerryj 27
Less so, if the pussy has a dick.
ChocolateScyther 19
get a spray bottle
j_cat187 20
or a catapult
VeganDarkLight 31
When I read the first sentence, I thought OP was cutting. The way the FML ended is definetly not nice either, but I was relieved though!
zRatio 6
Thats exactly what I thought
tjanes 16
That sounds...catastrophic.
Soviet_American 29
OP felyin' to his/her boss.!
XBurytheCastleX 25
If it's that bad then declaw it. I know it's not a fun thing to do but your cat deserves it.
XBurytheCastleX 25
Okay then kill it.
201chasew 22
I can understand declawing, but killing it is beyond ****** up. all of my cats are declared, but they are inside cats and don't go outside. scratching is just something that cats do; it's not like they are trying to murder your family.
itwontvalidate 18
cutting the nails of a cat is terrible, don't do it.
XBurytheCastleX 25
I said kill it because people are being so negative about my declawing comment. Don't cut the nails? THEN WHAT IS THE PERSON SUPPOSED TO DO?!
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Declawing a cat is like cutting your fingers off at the first joint. They have to take away part of the cat's bones in order to do it and it often has lasting negative affects. That's probably why people are "being so negative" about your comment.
DoubleDosexo 12
they make little covers to glue on their claws. that come off after 6 months or a year.
toxic_walrus 15
Guys my cat is declawed and she is perfectly fine. It's really not that big of a deal. Also, my uncles cat has those little nail caps. They work well and it's funny hearing them click when they walk through the kitchen
Hiimhaileypotter 53
#53, Your cat might be fine but there's plenty of cats that have suffered ill effects from it. It's a pretty cruel procedure and a lot of vets refuse to do it because of the pain it often causes.
XBurytheCastleX 25
My cat is fine, my roommates cat is fine, my moms cat is fine, my grandmas cat is fine, my great grandmothers cat is fine, my best friends cat is fine, and I'm sure there are many other cats that are fine. Rare cats have bad reactions, just like animals and spaying.
blackonblight 33
Cats don't express pain in very visible ways. It's a common problem that you can't evaluate how serious an injury to a cat is because they hide pain very well. Cats will purr when in pain to try to self-heal. Just because you think your cat is fine having part of their digits surgically removed doesn't mean they aren't suffering. Trim the nails with clippers, get the caps, don't declaw.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
#74, Many vets refuse to do the procedure due to it being cruel. If it were just rare that cats suffered effects from it, wouldn't more vets be willing to do it? Cats also don't show pain often, as #78 pointed out. They're fairly stoic. A major problem with declawed cats is that their toes hurt (and I can imagine why), so using the litter box hurts (scraping the litter after they use it). Sometimes they'll start going on clothing, carpet, etc. Somewhere it's soft and doesn't hurt to scratch. On a personal note: My old boss has all her cats declawed and while I don't agree with the decision, I have to say that her cats give the best paw massages! (Although they do walk differently from trying not to put weight on their toes).
brand125 17
#74 - um, animals have a natural defence of hiding pain so predators wont target them, unless its too much to tollerate quietly. so how can i believe your word that those cats are "okay"
xKai_Axelx 12
declawing is like slicing off half of your finger. NO animal deserves that hostile or not.
Demoniq 25
Luckily that is not legal in South Africa!!! If you can't handle a cat as it is born, don't get one - not everything in life needs to be tailored to suit your personal needs, especially when it is a living soul you are dealing with.
AliGInTheHouse 24
Shouldn't have got a cat, mate. Always get a dog.
Psychicgirl17 18
Yeah because dogs never attack anyone
Ltsdragons 19
#69 I don't think you get what #8 really means...
Jewey_McJewerson 8
Lol, 69
anonymousguy1569_fml_fml 12
Sadistic cats are always entertaining! Mainly for those not being mauled though...
TheWrittenRebel 10
O.O your profile picture could a picture of my cat right before he attack
tony1891 22
reminds me of that cat from pet cemetery.
thatgirlyouhate 10
Cats are the spawn of satan, people should realize this by now
tony1891 22
cats are spawns of satan....got it.
Migole 36
No, they aren't. Many people just don't try to understand a cat's behaviour. Because they aren't dogs most people seem to think that you just need to get a kitten and a litter box and you're done which is obviously bs.
knoxxx 22
I don't know why you're getting downvoted 51, you're right. People need to realize they need to be playing with their cats on a daily basis. It blows my mind the amount of time people commit to training and playing with their dogs, but can't even spend 15 minutes every day just playing with their cat.
junkman6 22
It's a bird! It's a plane! NO! It's a joke going way over your head!
guinea_pigs 9
Sounds like a cat from My Cat From Hell!