Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML
Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML
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Top comments
Harpy20 24
Don't stick your dick in dirty holes. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to a doctor.
ks23 9
I feel bad for the spider. Who knows what you gave him seeing as you stick your dick in anything
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Comments (181)
IAmNotAnAnimal 9
Spiderdick, Spiderdick.
1dvs_bstd 41
... does whatever a spiderdick does..
newbiehere99 6
Spins a web any size Catches thieves just like flies. Look out, here comes the Spiderdick
lmbachman 23
and hey, he already has the white stuff to shoot out!! wait ... too soon??
Jonaahhhh 12
What about when his spider senses tingle?!
simoncat 11
Classic!
Welshite 40
You invaded a black widow's home and practically molested her. How can you not deserve it?
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
This comment made me laugh pretty hard. The poor spider. She'll probably have to go to months of therapy.
Pleonasm 36
There was neither the web nor the black widow you were hoping for on the other end of that hole, OP, but it's no one's fault but yours.
DocBastard 40
Thank you, OP. It's morons like you who do such stupid things that keep me in business. Keep up the good work!
verkaderk 9
Someone PLEASE tell me why this wouldn't be a YDI
Tessy7 9
Read it. No one has to tell you.
verkaderk 9
Sarcasm... A lost art. Too bad
bteundeadmidget 5
Well it would be painful if you got bit on the dick while getting head
joethebiden 8
So you stuck your dick in a random hole at a stranger's party? Remind me never to invite you anywhere.
EmeraldArcher 10
You, sir, have made my day.
1dvs_bstd 41
pffft glory hunter!
center 5
Based on the popular movies, your dick may soon develop super powers.
darkcosinus 16
Depending on the outcome, you may or may not qualify for the Darwin award