Today, I was bragging about how I had lost 10 pounds. Grinning, I pulled my shirt up and tried to show how big my jeans were on me. Instead, the button flew off my pants. FML

Today, I was thinking about my new diet and workout plan as I was getting dressed in the morning, feeling much thinner and more energetic. Just as the thought passed through my brain, the button on my skirt popped off. FML

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

Pants

Today, I found out my trousers have actually been slowing ripping on the side, after I'd been boasting to everyone I have lost weight and that, “My trousers are literally falling off me.” FML

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

Simple answer

Today, while getting ready for work, I realized that all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work, I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale, which confirmed that I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

Today, I wore a pair of shorts a size too big while doing laundry. When I ordered a pizza afterwards and answered the door, I realized I looked a little heavy, so I sucked in my stomach. My shorts fell to the ground in front of the delivery guy. FML

Heavy

Today, my chair abruptly fell apart completely while I was sitting on it. I didn't even do anything. Have I really gained that much weight? FML

Elvis has left the building

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

Ripper

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML