How? What?

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

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Today, I fell down concrete stairs trying to plug my computer into an outlet. I now have a twisted ankle, scrape on my elbow and a huge scratch across my laptop. The best part? The outlet wasn't even working. FML

Slice of life

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

Carly Rae Jepsen

Today, I was setting up a rat trap at the kitchen table and had just gotten it set when my phone rang. I foolishly leaned over to grab my phone, brushed against the trap, and it snapped closed on my nipple. I wasn’t wearing a bra so that thing grabbed my nipple hard and didn’t let go. FML

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML