Today, I had to make my boss believe that I was late to work because my sick dog shit all over my bedsheets and I had to clean up the mess before work. The truth is, I don't have a dog, and I wrongly trusted a long fart this morning. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. Five minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog had shat in the exact same spot, apparently to make me look stupid. FML
Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML
Today, I accidentally farted at a board meeting. My boss thought it came from the guy sitting next to me and gave him hell for being a pig. I was too mortified to say anything, even when the guy blamed it on me, which caused my boss to rage at him for lying and then to kick him out. FML
Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML
Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML
Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML
Today, I went to work hungover. I was in the back room by myself and thought I could trust a fart. I was so very wrong, and on my own for the next three hours and couldn't go home. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML
Today, my boss made me cover for him by working two extra hours, because he had to rush home early to deal with an "emergency". The emergency was taking a shit, because he claims to have a phobia of doing them anywhere but at home. FML
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Top comments
Glowworm56 27
So what you're saying is that you lied like a dog to your boss about some shit that went down that morning.
freckledfox06 18
Rule number one: never trust a fart
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Comments (12)
freckledfox06 18
Rule number one: never trust a fart
Brent White 15
You mean number two right?
Glowworm56 27
So what you're saying is that you lied like a dog to your boss about some shit that went down that morning.
nightfall8705 33
My brother essentially had to do the same thing in so many words to his boss a few days ago. We both got food poisoning from the new Mexican restaurant. We've had a rough week. We are both beginning to feel somewhat better now. I think the worst of it is over. ?
Goldzilluh 19
I laughed at this for a while there, I was in tears. Ahaha.
RichardPencil 32
Sounds like you suddenly have a shit zoo!
Cierra Amond 14
You can never fully trust that a fart is just a fart, especially if it's a long fart
GhostFox 34
Or you could have told the truth and he probably would have made you stay home because he wouldn't be able to tell if you were contagious or not. Now you have to create a dog, because eventually people are going to ask if your "dog" has gotten better. Then they'll be asking what he looks like, followed by personality, and next thing you know you'll have created this entire portfolio dedicated to your false dog.
jfsiv 17
Hmmm. so you were awake in bed before your alarm went off, and you didn't have enough time to yank the sheets off the bed and toss them in the washer and make it to work on time? How close do you cut your time to work on a daily basis?
BeachMammal 8
"I shat the bed" must be an effective excuse for not going into work. There aren't that many bosses who are going to start questioning you over it.
davecross 11
Couldn't you have call and said you were taking a personal day/sick day because you weren't feeling good