Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for changing my phone's password, like I thought she would try to access my phone without telling me. When I pointed out she could only know I changed it by trying to unlock it behind my back, she took the sandwich I'd just made and fed it to the dog. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML
Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML
Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML
Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said, "Yeah yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and told me she "had a surprise for me when I got home" in a sexy voice. So I hurried home, only to find a note saying she left me and took my dog. Deeply depressed, I went into the living room. She took my TV also. FML
Today, my wife isn't speaking to me and is considering separation because I got rid of the puppy she surprised me with for my birthday. She knows I hate dogs and I'm severely allergic to them, but thought it would be a happy case of "Dad later falls in love." FML
Today, I found out that my wife purposely eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to get out of kissing me. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts. FML
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Top comments
addisonrose12 16
What's the big deal?
Wolfparable 22
I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.
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Comments (73)
catmover 7
...
voluptuous 8
Is there something im missing...?
Erto 17
I looked at the comments in search of an explanation and realised there were none
addisonrose12 16
What's the big deal?
Rei_Ayanami 18
From the way I understand it, supposedly some people smother peanut butter on their genitals, and have a dog lick it off for sexual pleasure.
AnOriginalName 19
I usually have peanut butter on toast for breakfast every morning. You may have just ruined my breakfast for at least the next week.
Rei_Ayanami 18
I am terribly sorry if I ruined your meal, it was not the intended outcome.
IWishIWasObama 12
#22 The Stig is coming around Gambon!
laden_swallow09 35
OOOOR… it's just funny give a dog a spoonful of peanut butter and watch him try to lick it off the roof of his mouth for an hour. What's wrong with you people?
Awesomeaxel 24
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I took it as they were preparing food and he said he wanted a dog. So his girlfriend thought he wanted a dog to eat.
604 11
Too soon bro! Too soon.
howard007 18
Her fault for linking peanut butter an dogs into sexual pleasure. Maybe shes had experienced it in the past?
touch_the_sky_77 22
Hah, say you were actually just going to surprise her with a puppy and you needed to bring up the subject.
princesspeachxox 18
Is she allergic or like extremely traumatised by dogs? I think this might need a follow up explanation :p
Wolfparable 22
Miss I think it was the combination of dog + peanut butter that gross old joke
princesspeachxox 18
Oh wow I never would have thought of that haha
seemo82 19
and may i ask...what was that old joke ??
Wolfparable 22
I WAS gonna post something sympathetic then I noticed my picture... You're on your own man.
duffy512pd 9
What picture? Where?
19990231 29
Someone is obviously a cat person.
cheeeksss 29
Or she just has a really dirty mind.
hurley12 30
I don't see why she reacted that way?
igive 29
Then you don't have a dirty mind. Congrats!!
YupThatsMe1111 4
Some people associate peanut butter and dogs to the sick and gross thing about putting it all over your genitals and having it licked off for pleasure.
Bigfabthetruth52 22
that's not a normal association of dogs and peanutbutter where I'm from. not the first thing people usually mention when speaking of either of the two things. just saying
Bigfabthetruth52 22
dirtymind or not