Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML
Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML
Today, my wife is experiencing feral pregnancy cravings. She is craving some sort of cookie that she used to eat as a child. That particular cookie company went out of business 20 years ago, so my wife is growling at me like I was personally responsible for them shutting down. FML
Today, my wife ate nothing all day due to her morning sickness, but I tried to get her to eat something light, for our baby's sake. I brought her a banana. She yelled at me for being a "pervert" and accused me of just wanting to watch her stick a phallic object in her mouth. FML
Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML
Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, I've eaten two pieces of fruit, three crackers, and 3.5 glasses of juice. I've also vomited 3 times and peed myself once. Can someone please tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant again? FML
Today, my fiancee asked me to text her a grocery list. I asked for meat, fruit, vegetables, you know, the staples. She came back with tons of sugar cereal, pop tarts, cookie dough, and other unhealthy crap. We have no other food, our monthly budget is gone, and junk food gives me horrible stomach cramps. FML
Today, I'm seven weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week, I feel well enough to eat something that isn't Cheerios, a bagel, or crackers. I woke up two hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML
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Top comments
idontknowyou123 0
Only one solution... FALCOOON PUUUUNNCH
GVirdi 11
36 I was thinking condoms
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Comments (282)
Scoutman 5
YDI for not getting a vasectomy
geod69 8
Must be a girl changed your wife's mind
skyeyez9 25
Your wife is an obnoxious Bitch! Pregnancy is no reason to act like that. Yes morning sickness (which can last 24/7 for months) sucks, moodiness, heartburn and all the other unpleasant symptoms suck, but she needs to put her big girl undies on and stfu and quit screaming.
skyeyez9 25
I had a miserable pregnancy. I didn't scream and verbally abuse my husband just because I was pregnant. Hormones are no excuse (you may feel like screaming, but you have freewill to not scream at people and keep that nasty shit to yourself). your mind is still the same and you dont become a different person, who suddenly decided to scream like a banshee over the smallest thing that doesn't go your way.
vcolvin 0
Well then he should be a big boy and deal with it too. He got her pregnant so he should be a big boy and not bitch about it!! She is going to have a much more miserable time than he is
MissHayleyJames 7
That's great that in your "miserable pregnancy" your hormones didn't make you act all crazy but for some women they DO and you CAN'T control them. Just get off your high horse because you were lucky. My stepsister has horrible hormones. With her daughter they were bad and when she gets her period they're bad so she has to take medication. Can't exactly do that when you're pregnant so there's no controlling them!
lambent 0
My wife was just as bad. The puking, the screaming, and God forbid, the cravings.
aback 5
Vasectomy.
BlackCloudedSldr 5
It's queue*... Cue for example is the pool stick to shoot pool.
digressions 13
"Cue" is correct. For example, "cue the lights" at the start of a play. Queue, for example, would be used for "I was waiting in the queue to check out my groceries." Thanks for trying, though!
aud_monster 2
well you knocked her up.....
KiddNYC1O 22
Deal with it, sir.
Hellbound_Alleee 14
It sounds like you should go on a lecture tour to public schools, tell your story to the kids, and pass out condoms.
mileyfan17 8
Don't be silly wrap your willy