Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for two months. FML
Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML
Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend thinks my house is filled with ghosts. She can only hear them when I fart. FML
Today, my girlfriend has become such a workaholic that I found her sitting in her office, soaked in piss. When I called her out, she said she didn't want to take bathroom breaks anymore, and asked me to buy diapers. FML
Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML
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Top comments
delaneyluke 5
Too late to DUMP her now.
ekb777 13
If only childbirth was like taking a big dump..
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Comments (102)
Whyulittle 3
Just so you all know, when you have a baby it doesn't come out your ass...
Welshite 40
I don't believe you. My mama told me to never try anal, else I'd get pregnant and give birth. That small piece of information can be quite alarming to a guy.
amDes 11
Thanks tips
7yzzFML 17
Thankyou #15, but Im sure most Americans arent restricted to homeschool Southern-American (murkan) 'sex ed'.
rt567 15
practice?!?
perdix 31
And do you have one boy name and one girl name picked out, or do you have to choose new ones each time? Or does she get an ultrasound to determine the gender of the turd to make the naming half as stressful? So many questions!!
AshaaFerreira 22
The real question is how would you determine if the turd is boy or girl? :P
perdix 31
#64, you look for the penis. A piece of corn could cause a false positive for maleness.
AshaaFerreira 22
Okay as long as someone can figure it out!
perdix 31
If her orgasms are sedate by comparison, you may be going in the wrong hole ;)
SmittyJA24 26
It's not too late to move out. Seriously. It's NEVER too late to move out....
TiffGreen 11
Maybe talk to her about it. She may need to see a doctor if its as bad as she's making it sound.
nb1234 8
You might need to give her some stool softener, but if it hurts her that bad to defecate then I am almost positive you can kiss any chance of anal sex with her goodbye. Just something to think about...
lulubelles 33
And if not, record her from outside the door and threaten to put it on YouTube with a picture of her face. I bet she'll stop then!
whatthefreshhell 15
Let's hope that when she gets pregnant she doesn't flush the baby out of confusion.
SoulAmeliorate 16
And then when she actually gives birth she'll be calm, cool and collected.