Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML
Today, I've had such bad constipation during my fourth pregnancy that I have now had to manually scoop the poop out of my ass to get things moving again. FML
Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor, even if you have a C-section. FML
Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML
Today, I found out that my breathing exercises I learned during pregnancy will not be for nothing after ending up having a C-section, because I'll apparently need them every time I relieve myself. FML
Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
The pain of an anal fissure is said to feel like ******** shards of glass. Sounds like the loudest screams will be coming from your bathroom rather than from your nursery.
tygerarmy 35
Between your bowel movements and not getting any sleep because of your newborn your life's going to be a pain in your ass.
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Comments (94)
ICastillo 25
Damn sounds like after you eat Mexican food.
aod420247 0
Kevin smith goes into great detail in his q and a session called AThreevening With Kevin Smith. I think thay should put some humor on the topix for ya, not much you can do about a fissure...
weepingangel_fml 7
This fml is full of poop.
xoxozyanna 0
I had the same problem after I had my kid it took 9 long months to make it feell normal to take a pooh again .
mhopper 13
Childbirth. The gift that keeps on giving.
Calyx_fml 22
Childbirth, it's not worth it.
Marteeny23 19
Oh yes it is :) I love my boo boo bear.....
edixon0406 3
I mean, I think it is worth keeping the human race from extinction.
pengin 13
Seriously, the only instance humanity may go 'extinct' is because we'll end up killing ourselves (i.e. nclear war.) People will not stop procreating, especially the most idiotic people. It's funny how that always seems to happen~
periadoc 2
Another reason to never have children
edixon0406 3
Maybe your parents shouldn't have had you? Oh, but I bet you're glad they did.
bonermonkey 31
if you don't want children anyway then anal fissures is definitely a good point for that opinion tho
brandon3747 16
Where do you live in Alberta?
tuckerbr 0
Ouch! :/
felisaa 5
Ugh that sounds horrible! Hopefully you have someone to help you with the baby(: