Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML
Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML
Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML
Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML
Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML
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Top comments
Betz 10
Use that same amount of alcohol to get her drunk instead. Problem solved.
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Get off the Internet, Raaj.
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Comments (105)
DjeePee 25
I thought it was common knowledge that too much alcohol can prevent erections.
perdix 31
Unfortunately, the song "Too Drunk To ****" by the Dead Kennedys didn't get enough airplay to be an effective PSA about alcohol-induced impotence.
Keebz_02 0
I would have thought Buckcherry would have picked up the Kennedy's slack on that one.
MigraineurOfLife 15
Liquid Courage ='s a Limp Noodle. FYL OP!
iamyummylicious 14
The equal sign is possessive of a limp noodle? Is it possessive of the OP's limp noodle? Woah, woah, woah! Wait a second... I'm confused here. Is the OP trying to make love to punctuation? Grammarphelia? Punctuality?
Clamcreepy 7
I thought some of the female commenters would give you some pointers or something, I thought wrong. You should get high instead because you'll more likely get a boner and can still get the smoking courage but u you have to act fast before your high wears off
friedchickenpie 14
This comment is the great. Not because of it actually being a good comment, but because it matches his picture so perfectly.
friedchickenpie 14
*is great
lenamartinovic 13
It's Raj!!
RamenForTheWin 10
Raaj, Howard's looking for you. He says it's time to go to that country bar to pick up cowgirls.
ZooMzy 9
Is it odd that I could hear the words of this comment perfectly in my head with Morgan Freeman's voice?
ZooMzy 9
Is it odd that I could hear the words of this comment perfectly in my head with Morgan Freeman's voice?
RamenForTheWin 10
Nope, it's just like when you see a picture of Billy Mays with an all caps and black print caption and you read it in his voice. Ah, Billy, you are missed. You really made me want to BUY OXYCLEAN!...
goodgood_fml 5
I personally wouldn't date or sleep with anyone I met at the bar. I don't even go to bars. Yuck. Since thats your thing, create an alter-ego. Think of him as being cool, smart, rich, and HUNG. Walk in that bar like you own it. Don't even speak to dudes, speak to every last single lady there. Tell her that dress looks great. Tell her you like her nails. Ask her to dance. If she says no, say YOUR LOSS. Move to the next one. Someone will dance eventually. Good luck. Or, try nicer places. Restaurants or malls.
JustOhSoLovely 6
Do not let your alter ego and your real self have a conversation. The women won't care how hung you are if they see you screaming in different voices at how you should walk.
Adelaide_CF 6
"Walk in that bar like you own it. Don't even speak to dudes, speak to every last single lady there. Tell her that dress looks great. Tell her you like her nails. Ask her to dance. If she says no, say YOUR LOSS. Move to the next one. " If sex is what he wants, this will only make things worse. He will have erection, but no woman to ****, because seriously... Such behavior is retarded :D
Voqab 3
No shorty is gonna **** da guy they've seen holla at every chick in da place. Period
C94_ 0
hey Raaj lol
unagi_fml 9
Dutch courage comes at a price
knockoutmouse 8
I don't mean this to sound insulting, but maybe you'd do better if you tried to meet women at places other than bars. If you're looking for a hookup, then sure, but if you want an actual relationship, then it might be better to meet some women and develop friendships with them first. Join a club or organization, volunteer, start conversations in class. Get to know her first, and you won't feel like there's as much pressure on you, that you're in a now-or-never scenario. Or even if you do want to pick up girls in bars, just start a conversation and ask if you can see her again; don't go into it with an expectation of immediate sex. Ask her opinion of the sports game or political debate on the bar's TV. Compliment her choice of beer. Ask her if she likes the music. Ask her to dance. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing to do so, but I personally would never sleep with someone that I'd just met in a bar. Would I get a phone number and go on a date? Maybe. Would I go have sex with someone that I just met? Absolutely not, especially if one or both of us has been consuming alcohol.
tdawg4200 0
Preachy preachy preachy. And you're a prude.
5t3ff1k4h 47
^Bugger off.
MedKits 9
Actually, he's just intelligent.
andythegreat 0
How about you just stop being such a timid bitch and actually act like an adult. Holy shit, really? I can't talk to women because I'm not drunk. Don't use likes or No bs, and just strike up a conversation. It's not hard...