Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML
Today, I went to visit my grandparents, as my grandmother may not have long left. When my stepfather wasn't grilling my visibly uncomfortable grandad about Bible passages, my mother was trauma-dumping about how hard her life has been, and how awful her marriage to my father was. They're his parents. FML
Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I listened to my grandma monologue about how if my uncle was born first, my mother (and consequently, I) would not exist. I then got to listen to her rant about what a terror he was. Let's just say I learned and heard some things I'd rather have not known. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML
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Top comments
AnthonyWheeler15 24
So ***** are just all part of a cult? It all makes sense now
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I would have played along!
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Comments (48)
PYLrulz 17
And it's probably STILL a far more interesting conversation than anything on TV today
vettle 6
What kind of tap? Like the faucet or like the dance??!!
mykalt18 2
I wondered the same thing. I even also thought of an awesome way to tap on a door.
lelo007 11
I think it was great of you to visit your grandfather in that "deranged" state. Even with all the nonsensical (or is it?) talk, that's something you will cherish long after he is gone. I wish my grandpa talked about cool stuff!! Mine just talks about how Saturday Night Live has ruined Christianity. Love the family get-togethers :)
wait_for_it_ 3
ohh no way snl ruin christianity! i've learned so much from the church lady
lelo007 11
Well, aren't you special? Love Dana Carvey as The Church Lady!!!
NoBuenoLeno 9
I'd give anything to speak with my grandfather again, enjoy the moments op!
WinterBeauty17 0
Lol! The illuminated part kills me ^.^
mikeofthunder 13
You grandpa is Dan Brown, huh? ;)
Sanch101 7
Before those Illuminati got their hands on it we used to just divide like amoebae. Now we have all that messy squirty fun instead. Damn them!
Kiki242 19
This Illuminate crap is getting annoying.
McFlyin 2
this site really needs a "this is awsome" button!
awilso13 8
I lmao once I saw the word "illuminati" in this post, I will eat the illuminati's SOUL!