Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML
Today, I went to visit my grandparents, as my grandmother may not have long left. When my stepfather wasn't grilling my visibly uncomfortable grandad about Bible passages, my mother was trauma-dumping about how hard her life has been, and how awful her marriage to my father was. They're his parents. FML
Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I listened to my grandma monologue about how if my uncle was born first, my mother (and consequently, I) would not exist. I then got to listen to her rant about what a terror he was. Let's just say I learned and heard some things I'd rather have not known. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML
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Top comments
AnthonyWheeler15 24
So ***** are just all part of a cult? It all makes sense now
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I would have played along!
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Comments (48)
bla102 4
I knew it! Finally someone sees else what the llluminati are doing! I knew sex was a weapon against the human race or was it just a weapon for my girlfriend against me?
ManInTheMachine 20
If you want a good relationship with your grandfather, then remember the following: The Illuminati also created AIDS to kill off the black population and the Black Plague to destroy Europe's population and economy. Oh, and vaccines are rigged to kill people. You guys will be hitting each other up on Facebook in no time! Actually, scratch that. The CIA owns Facebook. Write letters instead.
kewlkate 9
Screw it all, then! Word of mouth is definitely the way to go!
dasgaytaco 1
What if the government hears?
boating_guy 33
31- that's what you think. but they're tracking you, they can hear you, watch you, and even know how many times you shake it after going to the bathroom. better watch out
stary1722 6
Big brother is watching....
DiscoKiller 4
I notice that people laugh a lot of this conspiracy stuff off, but that is because they havent read into it. Read. Learn. Digest it for yourselves, then form your own opinions. I`m not about to wander about with a foil hat on waiting for our lizard overlords, but I`m certainly not expecting the world to stay as it is for now. The signs are there that the world is being changed to allow for a new world order, there is evidence that diseases such as AIDS were created in a lab and have been spread to kill off homosexuals and black people. lastly, do not read any David Icke. No Richard Hoagland. If you want to start somewhere, have a listen to Bill Cooper. Intriguing stuff.
l23VIVE 17
Try using telepathy! Wait never mind, I forgot that the Gestapo control your thoughts. So if you tried using telepathy, you would actually be thinking what the Gestapo wants you to think...
Psych101 9
It was nice of you sit through that, OP. I'm sure he was glad for you being there. Hopefully that made the entire conversation worth it...
jayfreeman80 0
Sounds like a fun guy to me!!!!! Why you would think your interaction with him equates to a FML??? .With you for a grandchild it is he who should be writing FML about you!!!
B3Y0ND 3
This FML made me giggle :) Good on you for visiting your grandpa!
NAU_future 7
Hey watch out for him, spreading secret truths like that is a quick way to find yourself vanished without a trace.
Maciejas 8
Well, the fact that he has grandkids does say something about the validity of his claims :P
False_Stupidity 42
Precious moments like that you will have long after he is gone
BubbleGrunge 18
I'm not all woman hear me roar or anything , but never doubt the power of a ******!
nelsh 1
Wise words from a wise man