Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML
Today, I was giving my wife a massage. That led to some very intense and passionate love making, and she told me that has been the best sex we’ve had. Next thing I know, she's upset and yelling at me about how massages always lead to sex. She was asking for it. Literally. FML
Today, my wife called me at work, screaming in rage that she hated me, that I was a useless lump, that she wishes we'd never met. Did I have an affair or burn the house down? Nope. I set up the kids' backpacks for school today and forgot a library book that was due today. FML
Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML
Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML
Today, I walked into the bedroom to find my wife naked, bent over the bed, swaying her cheeks back and forth at me, so what else was I to think? Instead of some good loving, all I got was a shouting and a lecture that just because she’s naked doesn’t mean she’s after sex. I give up. FML
Today, I was told I should try treating my wife the way she treats me when I seek out her affection, so she can see how bad it hurts. Not only could I never do that to her, but that would require her attempting to show me even the simplest form of affection. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
crazyarsedfly 14
Why not just show her the book?
ellemk 0
IF you aren't planning on having an affair, I think that's sweet. Just because he did that doesn't mean he sucks in bed.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (47)
eyFuckmylife 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
first?
austinryansmith 0
DAMN thas all I have to say
luis420 0
dats funny show her the book
jsar_1234 0
hahaha
Rose8u 2
stupid?
eyFuckmylife 0
she is neurotic. and I'm sorry you suck in bed.
fckinbowdown 0
**** your wife man if she is so unwilling to believe that you tried to better your sexlife and automatically assumed you cheated. That is seriously messed up. She should be thrilled and extremely grateful that you are so dedicated to her happiness.
lildrummerboy47 0
#2 - you mean suckED
zeddeiram 0
i agree with 41. fyl.
crazyarsedfly 14
Why not just show her the book?
White667 0
Yeah, also if she really cared she would've gone off at you during, not after. Obviously selfish.
DameGreyWulf 1
Points to you both. She should be happy that you took the effort.
SiKwidit415 0
i agree selfish
Ketchup_Castle 30
That would have been the smart thing to do.
Reality_bites 14
#3, you took the words out of my mouth!
doggie3 0
just show her the book.
stupiddumbblonde 0
Okay. Didn't realy get this one but oh wells. :)
music_baby224 0
you kinda set yourself up for shit with a name like "stupiddumbblonde" and comments like, "didn't really get this one." just saying.
UnearthlyEnemy 9
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I lol'd in RL.
cuttsbobbie 0
yes I agrre
damatix 3
same lmao
perdix 31
She was saying that he decided to upgrade his lovemaking skills because he is having an affair. That's not necessarily true -- he could be learning how to drive a woman wild because he wants to have an affair. He's just practicing the new techniques on his tired, old, dried-up wife, so when he meets this hot chick, he can nail it, so to speak.
barbud1314 0
He did explain, you should show her. Ha, you suck on bed, oh well!
NathanKett 0
solution: just have an affair. then you don't need to explain, because she already knows. problem solved.
perdix 31
You are correct, sir! A woman's mind is not a court of law. If she thinks you are guilty, you are guilty. There is no way to prove your innocence. So, go have that affair. You're doing the time, so you might as well do the crime.
lobby0ne 0
Show her the book instead of posting on FML, otherwise F YOUR LIFE!