Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I was in the mood for morning sex, but my wife told me to go wank it off in the bathroom. Three minutes later I was mid-wank when she started banging on the door because I was taking too long, and she needed to pee. FML
Today, after weeks of every excuse not to, my wife wanted sex. It was amazing, and she had at least 3 orgasms. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up like someone kicked her and started bitching about all the things she could have been doing, as she got dressed and stormed out. FML
Today, I got off early from work to catch my wife screwing her co-worker in our bed. I ask her what I did to deserve this. She told me she was “lonely” and that he “always makes her feel like a woman,” unlike me. She would come home from work and I would initiate intimacy, but she would decline every time. FML
Today, I came home earlier than usual, only to find my wife having sex with some guy on our bed. Her reaction to being confronted was to look me dead in the eyes and to scream and scream until I got so freaked out that I left. It's her house, and I'm sitting in a library with no idea what to do. FML
Today, my cuckold fantasy became real. I got back home earlier than usual and found my wife being banged by a guy. I waited 10 minutes for him finish before entering the room screaming. FML
Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML
Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML
Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML
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Top comments
iShanny 13
Easy fix. Memorize it and recite it for her. Boom! Pregnant. Bonus points if you do it in another language!
JJJJJakkkkeee 6
Are you sure it wasn't a copy of 50 Shades of Grey with the cover of War and Peace on it?
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Comments (143)
iShanny 13
Easy fix. Memorize it and recite it for her. Boom! Pregnant. Bonus points if you do it in another language!
wallandpiece 16
Preferably Russian.
unknown_user5566 27
Isn't War and Peace an extremely long book? If OP could memorize it, he would deserve sex solely based on the effort that would require.
evilplatypus 39
At about 587K words, it's listed as one of the ten longest novels in history. For a bit of perspective, that's all three Lord of the Rings plus the Hobbit and then some.
kingwess 8
You learn something new everyday
sens3sfailing 25
Like on thanksgiving we all learned how much food we can shove down our face before we hate ourselves, and if you don't (excluding people from countries that do not celebrate thanksgiving), you weren't doing thanksgiving right!
Harpy20 24
1- Boom. Pregnant?? Why pregnant? Sounds like OP just wants to get laid.
PinkGirl246 8
Mmmm.. Russian accents ..
KaeporaGaebora 4
“In order to understand, observe, deduce, man must first be conscious of himself as alive.” -Leo Tolstoy
MormonPornstar 7
80 - If you are having trouble deciding whether or not you are alive, I would have to agree with the quote, and put off trying to seduce anybody.
jacquesromualdez 12
Maybe she likes violence. If you know what I mean.
fmmfl1993 1
Well, it is long and hard.
sens3sfailing 25
71-because it was a joke and it was quick, rolls off the tongue, and is just funnier than saying BOOM! Had sex with a person.
Harpy20 24
104- stop following me around FML. I know what a joke is.
PinkieKeen 20
13 - My name is Natalie and I speak in two fluent languages
sens3sfailing 25
110- I'm not following you, you just make shitty comments and leave them everywhere I go. Your comments piss me off in a way nobody else's do, and I'm not the only one
Harpy20 24
118- cry more please.
Lilacware 4
Lol. I agree.
ButlerOfChaos 7
The Lord of the Rings books were all written in one mega book it was supposed to be the first modern English epic. So to classify them as a series is okay but not correct.
Venister 11
My name is bob and I have been off meth for 10 minutes...
badwolf504 15
It is listed as the 20th longest novel in the world.
thatnucca 36
There's a battle going on down there and apparently your ammunition isn't good enough... Sorry OP
megapeyt 17
Epic. Freaking. Win!!!
lostcrazydiamond 10
Russians are sexy. Maybe you should try some role-play?
LiterOfCola 16
*3 is thumbed down by non-russian citizens around the globe*
Harpy20 24
Their accents and women are sexy. We all know most Russian dudes got epically ****** in the aesthetics department. No win here.
cosmosis 12
Exactly. Take Viktor the soviet news reader. Hes a "very unattractive man".
Valdrek 26
Hey!! Nothin wrong with Russians...my family are not model looking, but they are not ugly
zposton 2
Your pretty ugly if you ask me
Harpy20 24
94- then I shall put more emphasis on the word 'most' sir. Most people are biased when it comes to their family, so I'm going on your picture since I already said 'most'. I can't really argue against my first statement. My family doesn't breed bad-looking people either, however there are only a handful I would brag about.
JerryH 9
True, there are a lot of ugly russians but some russian males are pretty good looking, no ****
aj94w 4
It's ignorant to call most of the male population of a country that spans two continents "lacking" in any department. I was trying to draw and analogy, but I can't think of one without sounding like a racist asshole.
JJJJJakkkkeee 6
Are you sure it wasn't a copy of 50 Shades of Grey with the cover of War and Peace on it?
FlyingPie 17
There was bound to be joke about 50 Shades Of Grey. But all the puns about that are going to gag me if they don't stop.
Shadow_Phantom 26
That's what I was thinking... probably a book hidden behind that book.
unknown_user5566 27
5- I think your pun skills need to be whipped into shape, as that one was sub-par.
marxistbkly 3
I think your wife got confused. It's bury your nose in your book . . . .
FlyingPie 17
Well, a strapping young lad like the OP deserves more than that.
StalkerChick 13
17- Right. I didn't even realize that was meant to be a pun. That's how bad it was..
EyesofStone 27
Did you realize that 17 slapped down a slightly better pun, stalkerchick?
decidedlyvague 11
11 - inception?
kotana191 8
if you want something done right ya got to do it yourself:)
Allornone 35
It's official- Tolstoy has more game than you.
FlyingPie 17
It's time to begin a new chapter in your life: To avoid a battle with your wife, book a room at a hotel for a romantic getaway. Finger through some travel catalogs if you need to.
wickedninja918 1
... and if none of that works **********
EmoSunshine14 2
Yeah, FINGER through some catalogs...
wickedninja918 1
...yeah I got the pun, but the op is male
amiewithaj 13
I see what you did there
sammisweets93 12
**** it solves your problem.
newbiehere99 6
I dunno about you, but **** makes my problem worse. Seriously I'm already missing out on sex, so now I have to watch someone else? Ugh **** that lol
sammisweets93 12
It's a joke ;) to get back at his wife. Not really like solve ur problem of not getting sex.
dragonfuego 11
Actually she did want sex, that's why she's fingering herself. Apparently she just doesn't want it with OP.
Harpy20 24
**** only helps for so long. Not sure about most women, but I'd rather hop on my guy than a **** site.
sammisweets93 12
Omfg I give up I'm not saying **** solves everything....it's a joke I'm not saying it literal
boredblonde 17
Maybe she just didn't want your fat, slobbering body all over her
krylonpony 3
Whoa, whoa, slow down blondie! Someone is jumpin' to conclusions. Don't you have some beers to serve?
buying_mace 5
That's a pretty large leap in logic to make there from a handful of words. For all you know dude could be built like a marathon runner.
honeybadgerr 9
10-That is a very superficial and shallow comment young lady. First of all we have no idea what OP's actual weight is.. And even if we did why would that matter? Secondly, OP is talking about his wife.. So obviously she loves him or she wouldn't have married him. Most importantly though, I want you to know that real love goes deeper than appearances.
greenappledbunny 5
Youre an idiot
luminos77 3
50% marriages fail. Not sure what you are talking about.
honeybadgerr 9
Jeesh y'all be looking at the glass half empty! Life is gonna suck with that attitude
VaanBasch 1
LOL at #10. The rest of you should stop getting your panties in a bunch.
wickedninja918 1
wow ok even if op were fat, that would be ****** up. but fact of the matter is that we have no clue what op looks like and never will.
Harpy20 24
10- you sound like a ****. Regardless, there is obviously an issue with the marriage if OP's wife would rather do it herself. Maybe OP is just bad in the sack. That could have easily led to this situation.
unknown_user5566 27
If your wife prefers taking care of herself versus you rockin' her world, you're probably doing something wrong. Take the time to talk to her and see what she's missing in your love life; if you take the extra time to show you care, I can almost guarantee you'll be getting lucky more often.
ocramavaf 15
except if she asks him to sift through war and peace for those chapters that get her all hot and bothered.
rogerover 19
Or at least ********** together!
rebelliousshroom 12
I agree it's likely that he does something wrong, but not necessarily. Maybe she wasn't in the mood for intimacy, but still wanted some stress relieving comfort. Masturbation isn't just a poor substitution for sex.