Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML
Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML
Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML
Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML
Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I face-planted. I was going to say "Fuck you" and "I will kill you." It came out as "I will fuck you." He's still laughing. FML
Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML
Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML
Today, I was out shopping when an old lady bumped into me and dropped her purse. Trying to help, I bent over to pick it up, at which point she battered the shit out of me, called me a "filthy thief" and threatened to open an umbrella in my ass. What the fuck has the world come to? FML
Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
Did his girlfriend dump him for being gay? A man tearing another mans asshole sounds a bit strange.
revan546 24
I believe that would lead to said tearing of a new asshole
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Comments (56)
pussystank 18
"Tear you a new asshole" lol European insults are the best.
Colibrius_fml 5
It seems that OP is from Australia. Not really Europe.
worldclassrager 41
Alright I don't exactly understand this but if I am way off just down vote me... If you were in front of him wouldn't the person saying that behind him actually get the threat? Unless you were behind him and the one behind you said it? Just give me a follow up so I can understand
funnybunny3647 4
should of kicked him in the nuts and then face him to the other guy!!!!!!!!!
tbon3r 15
well that could have been shifty...
nevermindthemind 18
tell him to first demonstrate on himself
jeragonm 15
Or was it really you? We know the ole "my friend" stories
LexiDaBae 17
You should've knocked him on his ass. If he didn't believe you and started beating you, I think you have a right to self defense. Then when he's lying on the floor in pain, that's when you walk out with his ex like a badass.
zachwest 1
I would have beat this living s*** out of him. Loljk I'm a giant pussy.
justinemalang1 14
"Tear you a new asshole." Now that is some new level shit.