Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML
Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML
Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML
Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarrhea in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping body. He rolled over to whisper, "I heard everything." FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML
Today, my husband fell asleep on my shoulder. He then ripped a nasty fart. I exhaled slowly but apparently loud enough that it woke up my husband who promptly screamed directly in my ear, before screaming a second time when he smelled the fart as well. The worst part is that also he scared my cat off my lap. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML
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Top comments
hockeychicl003 6
maybe your mustache felt like whiskers
pandachic27 9
Wait so does that mean his cat gives him oral?
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Comments (105)
GothickNihilist 15
I honestly just threw up a little. I really have to stop reading FML on a full stomach.
LO388 7
So he thought he was getting pussy instead?
LO388 7
Sorry, those "jokes" are awful and unoriginal, I know...
ICastillo 25
Dude don't apologize, that joke was pretty damn funny.
RZB 11
What does his cat do to him? And visa-versa.
Quest_ 13
I don't want to be one of those WUT THIS ISNT AN FML chumps but I really don't see the problem here. You said it was your first time doing that to your biff so it's not something he's come to expect. He was rightfully shocked and freaked out when he thought his cat decided to lick his genitalz. He realized it was you and asked you to continue. What exactly is the issue? :P
destroyu 8
How close is he to his cat?
perdix 31
So, do you have a sandpaper tongue? Ask your doctor if they make something like Chap-Stick for rough, chapped tongues.
ICastillo 25
Either that or OP was treating his dick like a scratching post.
Sir_ND_Pity 35
Let's hope It doesn't run in OP's family. I heard doctors don't like those and dismiss them as "unprofessional"
hannaaaahr 33
oh god that sounds painful...
little_one 20
That's what I thought rough tongue or she's just doing it wrong... Had my cat try to clean my face I don't know what his cats been cleaning.....
Migole 36
Oh I can see so many bad jokes coming it hurts ._. But on a more serious note, my cat has the habit of waking my boyfriend up by walking his legs up, continuing to his torso, meowing at his face, then walking down and up his body until he puts him down or gets up, so seeing as op boyfriend hasn't gotten any action lately (I suposse?) he could've easily mistaken "something repeatedly touching" his body for his cat in case his has a similar habit since you can't really distinguish what kind of "touch" it is until you're fully awake. You sometimes even see images from your dreams for a couple of minutes.
chinchily 12
I completely agree and ik this is probably not logical but when I read it I thought of one of those cat toys that stand up, then they hit it down an it comes up... Not really sure if that's possible but that's what I thought of
Lionesse 15
He's getting pussy either way. It's a win-win for him.
rasengan1544 12
I guess you can say he's a pussy magnet
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
did you continue..?.-.
Yebdog0506 2
Me-wow.
Stormdriven37 6
This comment was bad, and you should feel bad.
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
40- I liked the comment..