Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a good time. Perfect. Afterwards, he stupidly tried to pull the condom off with way too much force. It burst everywhere, splattering our faces, the bed sheets, and even the wall. Absolute disaster. We just stared at each other and laughed. Never again. FML
Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we'd just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML
Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML
Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML
Today, I woke up with a used condom on my face. Turns out my roommate had sex with his girlfriend during the night and instead of getting up and throwing it away, he decided to throw it across the room. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML
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Top comments
SkoomaKi 28
So... you gave yourself a facial? Smooth.
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Holding a used condom above your face can never end well. Wtf were you thinking.
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Comments (216)
Hylia_fml 6
Yummy! Must have been a tasty snack, eh? xD
airforce987 20
Doesnt matter had...........*hears rumbling off in the distance* what's that?.......oh my god. OH MY GOD!!! RRRRUUUUUUUNN! FLEE!!! Flee for your lives!!!! The dead meme nazis are coming for us!!!!! *trips* NOOOOO!!! Go on without me!!!! Gahhhh!!!! *dies*
putloginhere 6
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Oh god
Latissimus 3
Doesnt matter had sex now bury me
tennisrapper1 14
Tasty for OPs girlfriend!
BunchieRules 31
It looks like another stampede of angry FMLers is among us! Quick, 12, it's DocBastard at 6 o' clock!
reddawn1985 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I don't get it what got on your face?
Ambreanna 0
You mustve been really hungry ;D
Skittlepickle 13
53- that's like asking what a ****** is
xxxalpacaxxx 0
53's 14. It's slightly okay then.
ryanman2 1
Semen
reddawn1985 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I was kidding I go to public schools and I hear wayyy worse then that on a day to day bases.
VenomSiphon 13
*than *basis Stop making public school look bad.
nico139 4
Well said, 84.
truth_spitta 0
Don't know why 97 got down voted lol and 84, imo...you have the grammar of my 8 year old sister...and I'm 14...maybe it's just rare to know how to speak English correctly at my age?
melikeyturtles 3
#12- well done *slow claps*
alphaskater09 9
Pubic skoowl is bad they no teach me nothin goowd
MrBrightside21 20
127 - Haha...pubic schools...
aaahhhfire21 0
Guess you found out how safe it was hopefully no surprise in 9 months
tothenifty 1
I said **** game
the_anti_hipster 7
53--thousands of OPs would-be children. RIP, little swimmers...
JBMcC 7
84- stop talking
Doogy700 5
53- Semen.
user324234324 1
Morning after pill.
rosesofash860 8
I was just about to say that.
Addy414 12
I do believe it was a man hanging it over his mouth.... I don't think he needs the morning after, it was his sperm
Addy414 12
.... But the gf might want to take the morning after
OhDearBetrayal 25
78- They should both take the pill. We don't want either of their ovaries bearing children because of this.
alexup24 13
He better take it, "just to make sure." Anyone get the fml reference?
BradenLock 4
Are you f#@%ing kidding me?
zachherbert 10
Or just gargle some mouthwash. Cleveland's voice: "THAT'S NASTY!"
eeyoremily 1
Well it wasn't leaking before your dumba$$ put it above your mouth, so you're probably ok.
downtime 13
Micro tears would be a problem. Obviously if it is shredded enough to fall apart like that then the structure has been damaged already. OP, I think you need to work harder on humour. Dangling a used condom over your mouth doesn't exactly scream comedy.
DenBriZel 31
And at least he know what his own **** tastes like. Now he can't be so prissy if a girl doesn't wanna swallow.
Psycho_Babydoll 26
Holding a used condom above your face can never end well. Wtf were you thinking.
Me_You_Us 7
Maybe he wanted to admire his work?
DespairFaction 11
Seriously, why would any guy do that? Worst joke ever.
zachherbert 10
Who doesn't do this? Semen cleanses the face, opens the pores, and gets rid of wrinkles.
onlychildFTW 34
I don't think that's true 154. It really does all those things?
zachherbert 10
After years of experience, yes, it does. It's basically a fountain of youth.
Purplefluff 6
Interesting image
SkoomaKi 28
So... you gave yourself a facial? Smooth.
kionnaloves 11
Lmao!
Azula272 14
Apparently sperm is good for your skin 0.o
peachesncreem 21
I'll testify to that.. Erm.. I mean, EWW!
fenixtorador1 11
Skooma, I always look forward to your comments, WAY too funny!! Lol
downtime 13
How regularly does this magic elixer need to be applied? If it's more than 8 times a day I may need to free up some room in my diary for 'me time'...
zachherbert 10
I apply it 7 times a day. At every meal. Once when I wake up, once before bed. Once after I shower, and the last one at my grandparents.
the_anti_hipster 7
163--if you're collecting it yourself, your hand must be silky smooth..:do I detect a new marketing solution for Nivea??
alexup24 13
Supersoak that hoe
themarshal_fml 6
Bad Luck Brian: Has sex Gives himself a facial
Isoldael 27
If your girlfriend is worried about getting pregnant, she might want to consider getting the morning after pill.
Isoldael 27
Urgh, I'm sorry, I don't know how I missed #2 saying that :(
Stupend0us 7
Or she might want to consider taking BC pills instead of relying on condoms only.
the_anti_hipster 7
150--I personally hate BC because every type of pill I've been on zaps my sex drive completely. I'd go from sex every day to sex once a month. Maybe. No bueno.
superweasel 0
Oh my goodness, I LOVE your picture!! So stinkin' adorable!
RedPillSucks 33
Wow. You get to taste your own cum.... Did you grin and lie about how wonderful it tasted.
SkoomaKi 28
Melons and watermelons help with the taste of cum, don't they?
therealslim 15
Pineapple, I heard..
Dracoboxer357 36
^ I heard it was pineapple that "increased it's appeal" for those who rate it's flavour. ;P Edit: Bah, 30 beat me to it. :)
j_cat187 20
I thought it was celery.
SkoomaKi 28
Cum in our own mouths? Noor, there is a line! Yet, it seems logical.,
challan 19
Celery helps increase the production of sperm, but I don't believe it changes the flavor. Red meats, pineapple and other acidic fruits and decreasing the amount of beer and coffee help the most. Btw... I learned at a sex workshop not through personal test testing.
Ambreanna 0
60- you go to sex workshops?
sufferinurjocks 3
No wonder why my GF always has watermelon in the fridge...
MerrikBarbarian 9
Melons, pineapple and cinnamon can make it taste sweeter or milder. Beer, chocolate and red meats give it a bitter taste. Read in various sources and tested through the scientific method ;) the more you know!!! Or perhaps Noor? XD
challan 19
Lol my mom is a couples sex therapist so yes, I have been to many! Red meat as in steak medium rare- helps. Red meat as in taco bell lol hurts.
Fasterkill 6
Sex workshops are seriously fun.
challan 19
Yes they are!! How can knowing more ways to ****** ever be bad?!
CustardAndPie 13
Next time, check the expiration date, maybe? (Or just don't squeeze it so hard.)
luvbughug 5
Now you know how us females feel!
skoob1 12
You mean taste, right?
alshygirl 14
No feel
VenomSiphon 13
*we females
ihaveFMLfeverr 5
97 you would...
ladyLALAA 29
Yeah what is the fascination with doing it on the face, gets in the hair, so disgusting!
quincykid23 6
U deserve it. But that definitely sucks for you. Look on the bright side, at least ur having sex!
lottie333 0
that grose