Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML
Today, I went to a party and met a guy who was super charming. We hit it off, and he seemed really into me. After talking for a while, he leaned in for a kiss, and I thought, "This is it!" But instead of a kiss, he just sniffed my hair, then said, "Wow, you smell just like my mom!" FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
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Top comments
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
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Comments (186)
DerangedKitten 6
Hilarious.
mileena 7
Invented the banana. I lol at this so much. Also your descriptions really paint a picture.
tayza249 20
You have the intricate wording of a poet.
perdix 31
"Me no speaky Anglish."
ThatGenericGuy 6
Coolest.Guy.Ever.
yoshiyakiryu 20
Trying to figure out what's weirder, the guy you were talking to or your descriptive powers.
sylphy 0
Face likr a corpse's shoe... Best description ever.
cardenashenry 0
so you met prince Andrew?
aligiorav 11
How could you say no to that? His family invented the banana! I dont know many other people who invented a fruit. Feel privileged!
epicily 0
Ur lucky my tec teacher says he is going to lock me in a box and poke me like an animal and his breath smells ******* gross!!
skata 4
your teachers going to rape you?