Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML
Today, I went to a party and met a guy who was super charming. We hit it off, and he seemed really into me. After talking for a while, he leaned in for a kiss, and I thought, "This is it!" But instead of a kiss, he just sniffed my hair, then said, "Wow, you smell just like my mom!" FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
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Top comments
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
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Comments (186)
tj4234 36
you should feel blessed for hanging with royalty
bewareimannoyed 13
So? Sounds like a catch!
Climaxx 11
Sounds like my kinda man.
TheRealHouse 7
Hi there, Im House. What's your name? ;)
StoryOfTheYear 15
But of course He's just a misunderstood child How could I have possibly misunderstood that my whole life
hwp123 0
He is on satans ass gas
sadkiddie 0
I only recently discovered what queue means and now I see it everywhere @_@
LTpast 3
Heh, I know what you mean 23, that always happens to me when I learn a new word. Back on topic though, sorry to hear that OP, maybe you should have offered him a mint, or possibly a cork.
haiu2323 10
same here...freaks me out sometime too
Legendslayer222 26
I read this FML a few times, and there seems to be a few inconsistencies with his story.
VeganVampyre 27
Why?
yamatelle 19
Oh hell no! My great great grandmother's cousin told me that she invented the banana to compensate for the lack of penis in her life before it became a fruit. Bitch lied to me!
eminemchick 19
wtf my dad told me his great grandpa invented bananas and glue sticksDX
yamatelle 19
I bet you some of my Satin's ass gas (I put that shit on everything!) and lipstick that it was my great great grandmother's cousin who invented it. How do you explain the shape? I believe her because I know she probably didn't get any. I mean the bitch was so ugly, she gave Freddy Kruegger nightmares. Bless her soul. If I find out she lied to me though I will dig her out of her grave, turn her bones into soup, and feed it to my asshole neighbor!
WeezyBites 6
Sounds legit.
Martha_Plant 8
Shout 'STRANGER DANGER'.
Martha_Plant 8
Repeat and shout 'STRANGER DANGER!'.
JoNo23 0
So did I and for some reason santa's ass gas seems alot worse I mean his ass is big, white, most likely wrinkled. That's some stinky ass gas
eminemchick 19
38 it really wasnt that funny the first time-.-