Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML
Today, I went to a party and met a guy who was super charming. We hit it off, and he seemed really into me. After talking for a while, he leaned in for a kiss, and I thought, "This is it!" But instead of a kiss, he just sniffed my hair, then said, "Wow, you smell just like my mom!" FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
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Top comments
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
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Comments (186)
iknowimawesome 13
I totally read that as Santa's ass gas.
cc_the_beast 6
If life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
Iceing11234 0
Yup mt XD
iknowimawesome 13
Haha no, life gives me lemons just like everyone else :)
WeezyBites 6
I read it as 'santa' too, even after reading your comment I read it again and saw Santa instead of Satan. It took 5 re-reads to notice. I must be going crazy.
eraintime 0
your hilarious.
rattusrattus 19
If he ever gets on the throne in France, well, we all know what lovely lady they French introduce their royalty to.
Shadow_Phantom 26
I'm just going to say "YDI" and leave it at that, since my other comments got deleted.
frankwolf86 0
I see you met my brother-in-law... charming fellow isnt he?
jerico616 14
What exactly does a corpse's shoe look like?
cata020 3
''corpse's shoes" and ''satan's ass gas''...ydi it because of these stupid and childish remarks
THE_A_TEEN 28
Its called descriptive writing try it sometime
mmmonique 6
The poor guy was probably lonely, I get customers who are lonely all the time and if you have a bit of a chat with them it could really make their day. Don't be so judgmental OP.
sylphy 0
I'll talk to any person who's looking for a chat, but if your breath can raise the dead you can have a nice chat with the wall.
wishfulmidget 0
umm wtf?
L1v3_L0v3_Lau9h 18
That's the same thing I said when I saw your picture.. -.-
THETRAIN 0
Go mr maccey on his ass drugs are bad mk you shouldn't do drugs mk