Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while in line at my local bakery, an old man passed wind in front of me. The smell was like nothing I've ever experienced before. I managed to withstand it, but the child behind me could not, and spewed orange vomit all over my back. FML
Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML
Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML
Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML
Today, I was on a date with a great guy, and we were really hitting it off. While we were walking in the park, a woman who smelled like the devil's toenails and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a year passed us. I whispered to my date, "Look at that disgusting woman." It was his mother. FML
Today, I was telling my boyfriend how proud I am of him for finding a really good job. He interrupted me to tell me that my breath smelled like his cat's. FML
Today, I went to a party and met a guy who was super charming. We hit it off, and he seemed really into me. After talking for a while, he leaned in for a kiss, and I thought, "This is it!" But instead of a kiss, he just sniffed my hair, then said, "Wow, you smell just like my mom!" FML
Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML
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Top comments
DoggyDoggWorld 0
"his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas" Where the hell do you find these expressions?
AliceIsCurious 6
So that's where he is! Kindly tell my father to come home and take his meds.
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Comments (186)
Gemmy_44 7
Someone was trying REAL hard to pull some metaphors (actually, similes, because the OP used "like") and imagery out to impress us all and, IMO, failed miserably. Sometimes it's better to leave the creativity in painting a picture with words to the novelists and just write, "This guy was so ugly he could scare babies and his breath could kill a horse." Plain and simple, yeah, but you get the point across without the misused metaphors and without giving the impression you think you're much more clever than you actually are.
Spurschick88 3
Dude, don't over think it
wriptidez 0
i would of letthe person behind me in front of me
22cute 17
Yeah, lighten up. We live in a society. Friendly conversation is NOT a crime. YDI 4 being such a bitch.
Pretty_reckless_fml 18
Corpse's shoe? Surely it's no worse than a regular living-person's shoe? :L x
OhCondor 0
Since when did FML turn into "I'm a drama queen and post minor inconveniences that happen in my life through the day"?
WizardOfOzLA 2
France ? Prince Harry ? you shud have dropped it there. funnier than the banana thing. -1 for your lame descriptions...
MMPR 5
So did the lying rub off on you?
starfish7 18
Aside from the bad breath, why are you complaining? Sounds very entertaining!
vbmg152 19
How do you know what a corpse's shoe looks like? How do you know what Satan's ass gas smells like? I think you're the one with the problem! you been looking at corpse's shoes and smelling Satan's ass gas! You need help! YDI!!
mikelukens4543 0
I just laughed so hard that I broke my crotch.