Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted, "False flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML
Today, my son admitted that he worked out how to make a fuse in my house's fusebox blow, by turning on all the appliances and lights in the house at once. He's done it three days in a row because when the lights go out, I 'scream and act like Donald Duck, but with swearing' and it's hilarious. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML
Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML
Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML
Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML
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Top comments
misspulkadot24 17
Well, if the toaster doesn't work, then we don't eat as much bread, which will somehow prevent obesity, which will stop the lawsuits and American stigma. You're dad isn't crazy, he knows the truth!!
xlord 27
Poor America. They are like the popular kid that everyone hung out with only because he had a pool and the latest game consoles but now that his parents are broke everyone bullies him.
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Comments (88)
UnluckyGenius 21
This toaster will now self destruct.
Cazz91 21
Your comment fits so well with your profile picture. Lol.
Welshite 40
Well, I suppose I shall be one of the few to live since I don't like bread. Join me...
salazara 10
Just call Homer Simpson - I'm pretty sure he has the answer to why your toaster malfunctioned! lol
ILoveMyArm 15
Am I the only one who doesn't understand all these Homer Simpson references?
tomgun_fml 16
No
Shadomasta 5
By all means, if your first Homer reference bombs, try another one.
awkward611 26
I don't get this at all guess it's just me...
CoffeeChickBlows 13
So instead of googling or just moving on to the next one, you just HAD to post a comment telling everyone that you're stupid, and lowering my faith in humanity's collective IQ level. Nice. Thanks for that.
awkward611 26
You're welcome :)
RoboCunnilingus 23
That was harsh as ****. There is no need to berate her for not knowing something. Whether you're right or wrong is irrelevant, you wasted time insulting her, when you could have just been a decent ******* human being and told her what it was.
CoffeeChickBlows 13
Woah woah woah, you're misunderstanding me. I wasn't calling her stupid for not knowing, I was calling her stupid for choosing to whine instead of educating herself! It's pretty simple to do really since we're all using the biggest repository of human knowledge out there: the internet. I hate people that expect everyone to spoon feed them stuff that they can just look up themselves. Stupid people are the only reason I even comment. To me it's a community service, and that's never a waste of time.
malheartsnutmeg 20
If you're on your phone it can be a pain to google something. Instead of telling her the answer, you complained about an irrelevant post with an irrelevant post. You tell the person to educate themselves while berating them for asking a question. Next time, don't be a jerk and just answer their question instead of complaining about irrelevant posts with an irrelevant post.
Kukua 5
To be fair, she didn't ask a question. At least that would be an attempt at educating herself. What she did was comment that she didn't get it, but "oh well". She was making a point of saying that she didn't know, and she wasn't going to try to find out. That's what he was commenting on.
cynthieee__ 8
What can I say? Mans got to have his toaster strudels.
Pstraka6 20
There muat be much more complexity to a toaster than I originally thought. So what happens when the oven is exactly set to 400 degrees...
JasonUMN 15
It's a government conspiracy to move the population away from toaster strudels and onto pop tarts!
CharresBarkrey 16
I toast pop tarts too... Am I the only one that does that??
misspulkadot24 17
No way! They are not as magical and melty-in-the-middle without being toasted! I freeze them too. But for some reason, I feel like I will be alone in that one.
monnanon 14
i was under the impression you had to toast them lol
mariepastyglue 30
WOW just wow
Latino_Nino 10
Can you please hit him in the head with the toaster? Maybe that'll knock some sense into him
ApacheC424 18
No, but it could fix the toaster.
Ins0mau 20
That's what they WANT you to do. ;-)
T0xiiK23 5
shhh... We can't let the toasters know we're on to them!!