Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted, "False flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad set my hair on fire while cooking. He then tried to convince me that it spontaneously combusted. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML
Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML
Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML
Today, my son admitted that he worked out how to make a fuse in my house's fusebox blow, by turning on all the appliances and lights in the house at once. He's done it three days in a row because when the lights go out, I 'scream and act like Donald Duck, but with swearing' and it's hilarious. FML
Today, I came home to find my dad's mid-life crisis has finally started. He's blacked all our windows, barricaded the door to the backyard, and set up a bunch of security cameras in and out of the house. It seems he's been reading up on Survivalist and Masonic conspiracy theory bullshit. FML
Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML
Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML
Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML
Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML
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Top comments
misspulkadot24 17
Well, if the toaster doesn't work, then we don't eat as much bread, which will somehow prevent obesity, which will stop the lawsuits and American stigma. You're dad isn't crazy, he knows the truth!!
xlord 27
Poor America. They are like the popular kid that everyone hung out with only because he had a pool and the latest game consoles but now that his parents are broke everyone bullies him.
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Comments (88)
buckdharma 38
A plan to oppress us by forcing us to eat raw bread with butter? Sounds Icke.
puffleprincess 7
#37- I see what you did there. (;
Levvy 22
That set me off on a long, hard laughing jag. Well done.
worldclassrager 41
Add some bread then the flag will be correct...
Thomas6792 7
false alarm* right way of saying it ;p
Shoot_A_Glock 6
No. False Flag - Staged event used to instill fear and emotion in a public in order to gather support for a war.
stormchaser24 24
You are all Sheeple. Wake up! Toasters are evil.
blaster151 3
I have to go Google this too - I've never heard the "false flag" reference and I scan news sites all the time. Maybe not enough conspiracy theory ones . . .
Greenmarsh 31
PEOPLE OPEN YOUR EYES TO THE TRUTH, ALL TOASTERS ARE FALSE FLAGS!!!!
CallMeMcFeelii 14
My buddy in the army said he thinks the blackwater mercenary group was to blame. The military supposedly got rid of them and that was their retaliation. Just saying haha. I'm not too big into conspiracy theories myself but they always are pretty extravagant.
Sir_drink_alot 20
Well duhh, it your dad can't have a healthy breakfast. Then he won't have the energy to fight the NWO
Trisha_aus 15
Awe shit I want to join...is this only for Americans? sometimes I have toaster issues as well.
acs123acs 22
@11 u can make toast over a fire. A bit more difficult but its not the end of the world.... I mean toast