Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Today, I took my dog to the park. He ran straight into a muddy pond, came back to shake himself off, and got mud all over my freshly cleaned white hoodie. A stranger passing by gave us a thumbs up and said, “Good boy!” I'm not sure who he was talking to. FML
Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML
Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML
Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML
Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML
Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML
Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML
Today, I wanted revenge on my neighbor, whose dog craps in my yard, so I spent a day at the dog park gathering up dog shit. I piled it up by the property line and ran over it with the mower, intending to spray his driveway and car with turds. Instead, it gummed up the mower. Now it stinks too bad to fix. FML
Today, my fully grown, 90-pound German Shepherd sniffed and wagged his tail as a guy mugged me. FML
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Top comments
Renesaga 8
A dog doing a rain dance? Please tell me you recorded this and uploaded it to YouTube.
deviable 9
Lasso that back bone back in and stage a tap dance on his face. With cleats.
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Comments (145)
sou_fml 3
wtf is an asshat?
sou_fml 3
wtf is an asshat?
Poetaster 10
Asshat is someone who has their head so far up their ass that it looks like theory are wearing a butt for a hat
Poetaster 10
Op, you can borrow the apples from my pic.... You seem to need a pair
Jason199615 0
Pull out your gat and cap them. What's your problem OP..
celticghost3 0
You're the damn asshat, I am glad that happened. Grow a pair, what is he gonna do? Beat you? Then he not only pays for new paint, but he goes to jail. Asshat.
lifelessons22222 0
That was quite confusing
bubo_fml 11
"Boy-I-say-boy, ya jus' don' *** wid a giant ****! Ya head mus' as sharp as a bowlin' ball!"
cheeez4u 8
Duuude, you can't let people punk you like that. First of all, how do you not call the cops in that situation? I have an extreme disease long story short if someone knocked me off my feet I would need help to get back up so I'm in no position to defend myself. But that doesn't mean you have to be a little bitch. One time, Some big ******* black dude cut in front of my whole family at the airport claiming that everyone had to sit at their assigned seats. I fly a lot so I know for this particular airline everyone sits where they want. We came pretty close to blows but seeing how I was ready and willing to **** up his world he backed down. Worst case scenario, you end up in the hospital for standing up for yourself, dude goes to jail. You sir, are a pussy.
BighornB 0
Could have at least tried to confront the guy. You pussy!