Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got up, dressed, and dealt with the kids. I had to be somewhere so I poured coffee for her and me and started eating my breakfast. She got offended, refused to drink coffee with me, and has been ignoring me since. She regularly starts eating before I sit down. FML
Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML
Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed. Instead, I spilled hot coffee all over her and the bed. We ended up spending the morning doing laundry instead of cuddling. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a huge fight. She kicked me out of the apartment and told me to never come back. Devastated, I waited outside of the apartment door for hours, hoping she'd reconsider. I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to her foot stomping on me, screaming, "I meant it!" FML
Today, I had to blast music, turn the lights on, and physically drag my 29 year-old girlfriend out of bed to wake her up. All the while, she verbally abused me. This is the only way to wake her up, and if I don't do it, she will sleep through the day and then scream at me. FML
Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML
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Top comments
catanita 18
So, morning sex is out of the question.
maosquare 18
Well, loads of people can't go without their regular caffeine intake in the morning. I know my hands start trembling if I don't have my hot brew in the morning. It's really bad though.
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Comments (145)
kewlone645 8
Why do people always assume you're trying to mock them? Lol don't ask her how she slept anymore?
maosquare 18
Well, loads of people can't go without their regular caffeine intake in the morning. I know my hands start trembling if I don't have my hot brew in the morning. It's really bad though.
romesh17fml 8
Nice of you to ask her, and I honestly don't see how to take that question a bad way. She obviously saw one.
eb0ny 15
Wait until she's on her period and hide all the cigarettes and caffeine. It'll be really fun, I promise.
36591951 9
This brought back the " hell no! Hold my poodle" scene from white chicks for some reason
steak87 1
Yep, I'm sure everyone hurls heavy objects at other peoples' heads when they have no morning coffee or smokes. Nuts to that O.P , RUN FOR THE HILLS BRO
GlobalElephant 16
Imagine this girl on PMS and without coffee
HahaHokayThen 10
she must be a Taurus.
AKGirlinSD 20
26, That would be quite the adventure the original poster would get himself into. We should tell him to load up with chocolate and other sweets, so he has some sort of protection from his crazy gf lol.
maebelline12 12
I'm pretty sure coffee addiction along with smoking can permanently stain your teeth brown...that's just not attractive...
catanita 18
So, morning sex is out of the question.
putloginhere 6
Well he could still get some if he... No it's not gonna happen
VoteForTaco 8
If he what? Look at what you did..you made me curious!
MrFuzzles 5
If he goes to the store and gets her coffee and cigarettes of course!
perdix 31
They do have caffeine/nicotine lube. That might be worth a . . . shot.
MrFuzzles 5
I'm intrigued, please tell me more.
VeganVampyre 27
She'd probably call him an insensitive asshole and throw the condom at his head for even mentioning it.
MerrikBarbarian 9
Not out of the question... But it is a question of all limbs remain intact after. I'm not a morning person either. The trick is to work coffee into the foreplay. ;)
kewlone645 8
Tell her to switch to tea
Skittlepickle 13
That'd probably earn him a few knifes. The hair drier's just the beginning.
dressedskeleton 10
4- easier said than done, trust me!
GothicAngel17 24
After many attempts I managed to do it. But only because I had to. I don't think it was a very fun experience for my fiancé though; hormonal and without coffee.
MerrikBarbarian 9
How would that help? Tea has caffeine too ya know right? Some teas can have as much as coffee. Making sure all potential weapons are cleared from the vicinity is a far safer bet
aardvarkish 17
So he can tea-bag her?
EpicSquishii 21
They make chloroform for a reason, OP
lopsop 12
Ok now that's just not legal
mikepattonfan 0
Nice boobs btw
ManInTheMachine 20
Good God, not already. Mods! We've got a loner in aisle 5!
tonijulie 20
Hahaha
RedPillSucks 33
That's seriously messed up, Squishii... OP: Does this cloth smell like cloroform to you? GF: What? How the hel.... ohhhh.... ???? Profit!!!
abouttosleep 5
I'm thinking what would happen at day 2 or even 3 if the situation continues, keep it up
onlychildFTW 34
This is not a normal reaction when you don't have your morning coffee or smoke. I think it's time to see if she is all there in the head. It isn't normal to throw a hairdryer when you've just woken up.
boofgall 16
I think a smoke in the morning would be nasty. Who wants to taste like an ashtray right when they wake up? Hurrah for being a non-smoker.
MerrikBarbarian 9
84- it can be under certain circumstances. Anyone waking me up knows to stay out of strike range til I'm coherent enough to recognize them. Side effect of past abuse, I go into fight mode first. It's not healthy or ok, but it can be understandable.
Celesta 11
Tell her to stop bean stupid.
Drew167 8
Being*
DwarfFrog 5
I thought celesta was making a pun. Cuz bean.... Like coffee bean... No? Okay. :/
Celesta 11
Why yes I was trying to make a terrible pun, it attracted unwanted grammar nazis though :(
Senseless_487 29
I'd give him two thumbs down if I could. One for unnecessarily being a grammar nazi, and the other for trying to take after The Situation.
Llama_Face89 34
Wonder if he's the dude who ended up thrown in jail for smacking his girl around in public.
Drew167 8
I'm not you dick so how bout you **** off hitting a female is wrong
Senseless_487 29
Be careful, 54! He's got abs!
astoryofroses 9
I love how he's being a grammar nazi but can't spell about... just enjoying the irony
SqueakyChipmunk 22
39) He is...The Predicament.
br0ccoli 15
"Coffee! Smokes! Raaawwwrr! Brains!" From -_- to O.O to X_X
LuckyLynx7732 5
Caffeine withdrawl can be a bitch, but that kind of reaction might mean its mostly in her head.
Skinwalker131 5
You can't be anymore right. Without it every inch of my body hurts with a shooting pain. Not only that but the headache is like someone is shoving a knife into my brain. Not only that but there's no drive to do anything. That could be why she feels like that in the morning. I know I do most mornings...
Drew167 8
Your girlfriend is probably somebody you shouldn't **** with, at least you know for next time.
Jaxx66 21
If she's quitting both, he should have known to slink around the house carefully in the mornings. Stay quiet and the angry lioness may not strike.
Drew167 8
Very well said 15.
ra10244 0
What kind of a pussy bitch answer is that? I kinda feel bad for you man