Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, my company was having a huge party so I went to work dressed in my best outfit. During lunch break, my boss said to me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML
Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML
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Top comments
Bonzer 2
"Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work..." YDI.
DocBastard 40
First you misspell "definitely", then you use "sneek", and then you go with "snook"? Really?? That's...I just...you... Can I just slap you?
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Comments (161)
GothicAngel95 16
-Clears voice sounding like Red Forman- Dumbass
gracehi 33
Abdicating your responsibilities for drinking, then drinking way too much...sounds like a classic case of alcoholism. Get help. PS, Way to perpetuate a stereotype, you stereotypical Irish drunk.
writergirl23 19
... You forgot the part of the fml when he goes into work and gets fired for sneaking away.
wolverine47 10
Someone deserves a promotion!
PhishloverA 14
There's no way you don't deserve this
hateevryone 15
You do not need to get drunk EVER!!!
gracehi 33
Yes, no one NEEDS to get drunk, but MOST people do it in a way that doesn't involve shirking work or vomiting, and there's nothing wrong with that.
tobedd 13
Being drunk is perfectly fine. Maybe when you become I age and get outta high school you'll see that's drinking is perfectly fine.
lottievaughn 5
Did the drunk kid that ate the buttered sponge talk you into that milkshake?
rachxoxo 6
I take it ur a alcoholic?
juliaplz_fml 2
Hahaha I giggled :-)
urnext123 1
See All of this could of been avoided if u stayed at work OP smh nice thinking man