Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
Today, I woke up with a vicious hangover. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't woken up to dozens of cans strewn all over the floor. I don't remember buying half the store's supply of pork and beans. FML
Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML
Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML
Today, I chipped my tooth on a beer bottle. While I was drinking alone in my basement. FML
Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd been going to for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML
Today, my wife, who has a drinking problem, looked me straight in the eye as she poured herself a "water" bottle to enjoy while at work. FML
Today, my company was having a huge party so I went to work dressed in my best outfit. During lunch break, my boss said to me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML
Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Bonzer 2
"Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work..." YDI.
DocBastard 40
First you misspell "definitely", then you use "sneek", and then you go with "snook"? Really?? That's...I just...you... Can I just slap you?
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (161)
matthew3 2
You're very intelligent.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Nacho cheese dorito milkshake... Ew. Maybe you should have just had the Dorito shelled Taco. Those things are epic.
shireman97 6
They must not be too epic if you don't know their actual name....
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Pfft. I'm not good with names. Sue me.
ManInTheMachine 20
It's called the Doritos Locos Taco, in case anyone was wondering.
crypticundead 4
As long as you live in 'Merica I can sue you. Bring out the lawyers!
realSlimjimShady 7
Should've gone with cool ranch
UnionsSuck 5
Atta boy
Bliss391 7
So your "good idea " of sneaking out of work early lead to an even worse idea of making a nacho milkshake. Sucks to be you. But hey maybe next time you get smashed you could try a burrito smoothie!!
ILoveZombieBoys 13
Haha Sweeeeeeet
ohrlly7457 7
Thats sound delicious why did you puke.
whosindahouse 9
Because she was drunk!
brandy1 5
Today I thought it be a good idea... Famous last words.
DocBastard 40
After reading this FML repeatedly, all I saw was "Today, I was stupid and ditched my job, did something even more stupid involving alcohol, which led to more idiocy. I'm a moron and deserve to get my dumb ass fired." Does that about sum it up?
Migole 36
My thoughts exactly .__.
TheDrifter 24
I also inferred that she's an easy drunk with no understanding of her limits.
hockeyoceancity 13
She is from Ireland and they are known for their drinking...
greenie213 23
You racist bastard! *whispers to side* I was thinking the exact same thing.
lelo007 11
Awe, Doc, we all know how you just love stupidity!! I'm sure this one just made your day.
MURIKKA 11
60- HEY!!!!! Also for our taters....
pwnman 33
Why do you work in the first place? When you are a lifeless fool?