Today, I dreamt that the fabric and pattern I was working on were sliding off the table so I quickly reached to grab it, effectively driving my fingers into my husband's eyes. Fuck his life too. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up with a black eye. Why? My husband was having a dream where he was fighting somebody and wound up punching me in the face in his sleep. I had a very important job interview this morning. FML
Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML
Today, my husband smacked me quite hard, and I have a black eye as a result. It's not a case of a domestic abuse, it was 100% unintended because he was sleeping and had a really bad dream that made him swing his arm. He's feeling bad about it, and I would laugh it off, but I have an important meeting tonight. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
Today, as I tried to get out of bed, I got my foot tangled in my sheets. I reached out to my dresser to avoid falling flat on my face. I didn't fall, but I did manage to smash my fingers in the drawer while still trapped in the sheets. FML
Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML
Today, my husband scraped his shin while trying to pull down our window blinds. He screamed and shouted at me, because it was "all my fault." How? I opened the blinds the day before, and rolled them up "too high." I'm staying married despite all this toxicity. FML
Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML
Today, I was putting on my sweatpants and accidentally stepped on the elastic drawstring. I moved my foot. The string snapped upward with great speed and hit me in my open eye. My eyeball is not happy with me. FML
Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML
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Top comments
Marcella1016 32
Haha OP anticipated the inevitable “How is this an FML? It’s more a **** your husband’s life!” comments. **** both your lives, and hope his eyes are ok. You have pretty good aim in your sleep lol
alex_jaguara 33
The ultimate OOF.
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Comments (2)
alex_jaguara 33
The ultimate OOF.
Marcella1016 32
Haha OP anticipated the inevitable “How is this an FML? It’s more a **** your husband’s life!” comments. **** both your lives, and hope his eyes are ok. You have pretty good aim in your sleep lol