Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML
Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML
Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML
Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML
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Top comments
Alexis2742 31
It probably learned from you
1911 3
gotta love evolution!!
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Comments (93)
sapphiregirly 11
I've heard of dogs trolling and cats trolling. But hamsters? Definitely a first for me!
greeneyebeauty9 28
*guinea pig
sapphiregirly 11
sorry, my bad. But even then it would be a first for me.
taintlangd0n 12
That reminded me of Beezle from Movie 43 hahaha.
SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18
That movie is awful. They showed it on a plane I was flying on last week and people still walked out.
emxy92 22
I don't know if I'd prefer that or a vengeful spider!
KinkyCurly 13
Put it in a different room & give it space. We all have needs. Apparently...
illusong 16
You sure it's not a hamster? Because guinea pigs don't run on wheels
nbrowser 24
This is very true, I have a pair of male guinea pigs, no wheel in the massive cage, wheels are BAD for them, delicate bone structure !
Not_Impressed13 9
Obvoiusly the guinea pig does not use the wheel for running on..
stargirl_95 24
Maybe he's trying to tell you guys to get him a mate. The poor thing is clearly very lonely.
Epikouros 32
Don't they kill their cell mates? Or is that hamsters?
Sinamoi 18
43- No, you're thinking of humans.
skyeyez9 25
Then you have to worry about the copious amount of offspring a randy guinea pig will sire.
Dynosaur_dollie 38
Actually guinea pigs really should have a partner and some places won't allow you to by then separately, they also shouldn't have a wheel though. I really wouldn't recommend a female due to the reason previously pointed out, babies.
summerguy97 16
Hey dude if you can do it why can't he?
sylachka 3
That's just creepy.
buckdharma 38
Yeah, he used to run on that damn thing all day, and didn't get anywhere. Now in just five minutes, he's been around the world.
perdix 31
Show him some hot XXX guinea pig ****, and he'll finish in 30 seconds! Just hope he's not into the weird fetish guinea pig ****, that shit gets expensive!