Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML
Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML
Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML
Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML
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Top comments
Alexis2742 31
It probably learned from you
1911 3
gotta love evolution!!
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Comments (93)
mynameisfinn 4
just dont be surprised when you wake up and see tiny baby wheels
am177037 9
That's adorable
bazookajoey 27
That is hysterical! Sorry OP I'd feel creepy if I had to listen to a guinea pig ********** lol.
Blavock 12
Kill it
Chiikan 3
How old is the guinea pig? You take 5 years and subtract the age of the guinea pig, that's the longest duration you have to endure the ordeal. For minimum? Take 4 years and subtract the age. Or you can shorten it by overfeeding him (from the humping of the wheel, I guess it's a male), make him obese, create a burden to his already fragile heart and die of unnatural cause which appears natural.
jun00 15
Must be a teenager guinea pig!
rllamas 4
Sounds like something it must have learned from watching your father. #childhoodruined
Brenna19 5
Never knew animals can ********** hahaha
vivalabutterfly 5
thats acctually kinda cute but itd annoy me too rofl
omgsorry8676 6
Um take the wheel out before going asleep