Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML
Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML
Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML
Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML
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Top comments
Nyx_fml 23
*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.
Rainhawk94 27
Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time
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Comments (65)
pdp_fml 21
Well, I would like to know what your dad does for a living. To bad for you Op to hear speech such as that. The buddies should be a little more civil.
LifeOfAnRN 18
Since OP is a female, I hope your dad lit him up for bring a knuckle dragging moron!
addie92131 1
oh.my.f I would have died on the spot
DanielleinDC 34
Oy vey. Your dad's friends sound like real prizes. But I have to agree: This is when it would be a good time to put on headphones and blast your music.
jaimie_mazda 7
This makes me wanna hit the "No Ragrets" kid from We're The Millers nam'sayin?
Duh_0811 17
I think her dad owes her an apology. taking his daughter tree shopping with a bunch of heathens and not stopping that kind of talk in front of her.
TwistedSaint 4
If someone said that in front of my daughter they would be waking up with a busted jaw and less teeth.
CheesyFan20 14
Nam'sayin' is officially my new word from now on lol.
mwali02 32
Urghhh... At which point does dad intervene to make this stop? So sorry you had to go through this OP...
glaucogf 6
Sometimes conversations get out of hands, the guy might not had noticed you. Anyway I bet this is not the first time you will hear about this, i think your problem is because the one who was talking was not the quarterback of the school.